Divorce/Like the Delete Button

• Posted: August 31, 2008
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• Author: Dad
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• Filed under: Ask Adam's Dad
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• Tags: divorce

When I was telling my dad about the site i just created, he told me he just wrote a story on Love and Marriage. Dad is not a therapist, but in my eyes, he is a professional...how so? This year will be his 63 wedding anniversary! READ ON.

DIVORCE/LIKE A DELETE BUTTON

Foreword: Aside from the fact that I come from a different time warp, I cannot for the life of me understand why a couple would opt to live together without the benefit of marriage. Oh, sure, I understand from the perspective of the male; all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities. He will put his name on the contract for a new car, assume responsibility for its upkeep, make sure to keep it in top condition, but will not do this for another human being. What I find difficult is how a woman can put herself in a position such as this. Please don’t tell me you will marry your “live-in” sometime in the future. Much of the time that does not work either. Before you jump into the deep water of living with someone, make certain that you can swim.

LOVE:   An amazingly complex word. In Webster’s Dictionary, the word love, alone or in combination with other words, (i.e. love making, love sick, etc.) takes up over a full column. The number 1 definition is as follows: “a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person.”

So, two people meet, they develop deep and tender feelings for each other, they pledge their “love” and they get married. Where did those “deep and tender feelings” go when they decided to get divorced? Is it something like a computer delete? One pushes a button and these feelings and these marriages disappear into cyberspace somewhere? They were “in love,” with all the connotations and definitions that went with it. What happened? Simple; they did not do their homework and/or realize and accept that marriage is work 24/7 for both parties. Consequently they fell into the 50-55% of people marrying now who will soon be divorced.

Let me state that I am not a marriage and family counselor.  Actually, I am not a counselor of any kind. I am only someone who has been married over 62 years and has some thoughts on marriage. Not necessarily why they don’t work, but rather what is needed, in the beginning, for them to work. This is my take on the problem. It all starts at the beginning (novel idea), a guy and a gal getting a marriage license!

If they were going to get a license to fly a plane, they would have to study flight, mechanics, weather and many other subjects, before they were ready to fly. Then, before they take off, they have to go over a check list to be sure everything works the way it should and nothing has been forgotten. Unfortunately, they do not have to study anything to get a marriage license. All they need is…. “Love!”

There’s that word again, Love. Let me explain something, and please remember that I have over 62 years of experience with this word. When they are married 5 to 10 years, they can talk to me about love. RIGHT NOW THEY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

O.K. we agree that checking out a checklist might be a good idea before taking that giant leap. So, where can one get a marriage check list? Let’s see. You could go to the library and peruse at least 200 books on the subject, written by highly educated people who may not  be married 62 years (their record is not that great). Or you could check out the following one minute list written by a not so highly educated person who is  married 62 years:

MARRIAGE CHECKLIST:
Every one of the following is unbelievably important to you:

This guy/gal would be a terrific friend; this guy/gal has a great sense of humor; this guy/gal seems to really be interested in me, my family, my work, my life to this point; this guy/gal talks to me about his/her family, work and life to this point; this guy/gal has a lot of long time friends. If any of these is missing, RUN. If he/she suggests moving in together, RUN. If you think you will be able to change him/her after marriage; the odds are — it ain’t gonna happen!  And remember, you cannot know someone well enough, in three or four months, to hand them your life. Feel free to add other items important to you.

Okay. They (our imaginary couple) have checked out the check list (homework), have discussed it with parents and religious counselor and have decided on marriage.

The day has arrived, they stand under the Chupah (marriage canopy), recite the vows, he has stomped on the glass, everyone has shouted, “Mazel Tov” (good luck), they have chicken and cherries for dinner, they cut the cake, they have been bounced in the air on chairs by friends and relatives, they dance the Hora (Israeli dance), and off they go into life. Forgive me. There is one more vow that should be spoken, (with apologies to Rabbi Akiva): Do not do unto your spouse that which is abominable to you. Okay. Our couple is now ready to take off into the wonderful world of married life.

For just a moment, let’s get back to that word, LOVE, and a new word, mature. Our couple will begin to understand love when they begin to grow up! Growing up isn’t an age. In marriage it begins with understanding the concept of respect for one another as well as trust, consideration and a willingness to admit when one is wrong. It begins when they realize that marriage is a partnership, perhaps the most difficult one, but a partnership nevertheless. An equal partnership, a mature relationship,

Now, about this new word mature.  The dictionary says: MATURE: A person of mature age. What the heck does that mean? I don’t believe there is such a thing as a mature age. The government says that one is mature enough to drive a car at 16, mature enough to drink alcohol at 21, and mature enough to be a soldier or vote at 18. A young couple can stand before someone who decides that inasmuch as the couple wants to be married, and they have a license, they must be mature. This is not car repair. This is a life-changing act. Life, as in the rest of one’s life! Alright, I give up, where does one go to get mature? It ain’t easy.

Our couple has started out in a mature manner. Now they are married and the real work begins.

They (our imaginary married couple) talk to each other about everything that’s on their minds. Through this communication, they learn to respect and trust each other. Through this communication they create a lasting friendship and admiration for each other as they mature. Through gaining this maturity, they grow as individuals and as a team. They show consideration for each other. They are lovers and friends, best friends. They laugh a great deal and they build a genuine liking for each other. It is work, but they see the work paying off as they both grow and they begin to understand the real  meaning of love.

It is inevitable that even the best marriages sometimes have a bumpy road. Problems will arise, but now our couple has the maturity to tackle these problems together as they find solutions utilizing marriage shock absorbers such as laughter, communication, negotiation, consideration and more laughter.

Let me simplify the above; Trust, respect, communication, friendship, admiration, negotiation, laughter, consideration, and understanding. All of these words working together spell M-A-T-U-R-I-T-Y and L-O-V-E. Omitting even one or two of them may, over time, spell D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

I don’t know if I have solved anything here. I hope that I have shed some light on the subject at hand. However, the one thing I can truthfully say is, it has worked for us, me and my love, for over 62 years. Peace!
-Adam’s Dad

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