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What the heck is a support system anyway???

Posted: September 7, 2008
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Author: Doc M
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Filed under: Ask the Therapist,Divorce Discussions
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Tags: divorce advice, divorce support, divorce support group

The doctor is in the house! My dear friend AND Beverly Hills clinical psychologist, Dr. Marjan Madison will be posting wonderful divorce support articles. Dr. M and I met over a year ago and had an immediate connection. We share many of the same values and tastes. I told her of my idea for this site over a dinner one night and we both hardly ate our food, we were spitting out idea after idea. When the basmati rice settled around us, we agreed that this could be a GIGANTIC help to people. She agreed to write articles from the perspective of a professional. Below you will find her first post in a series of what I hope are many!

Support through a divorce comes in many forms!

“I just don’t know how I will ever get through this….” Time and time again, I hear these words uttered in my office as my clients share their stories with me. I can see in their eyes that what they are embarking on, the dreaded “D” process, seems like an insurmountable feat. They are flooded with emotion, they feel like the floor has dropped from under their feet, and they feel as if their life is unraveling, both from the inside and the outside. From that terrifying place, again, they take a big sigh and repeat, “I just don’t know how I will ever get through this.”

Support through a divorce can come in many forms. For some, it comes through a network of friends. For others, it comes from their religious or spiritual guides. For many, it comes from therapy. Throw in family, exercise trainers, mediators, attorneys, financial advisers, support groups, and retreats and you realize the list goes on and on.

In my gut, I know they CAN get through it. I’ve seen clients get through it, friends, family, and I, myself, know what it like to get through it. If someone were to ask me, what is the single most important element in a HEALTHY recovery from a divorce, my answer would always be quick and always be the same: SUPPORT. I’m a psychologist, and I will be the first to admit that we throw certain buzzwords around, like “support system.” We are trained encourage people to establish a solid support system. In our diagnostic evaluations, we ask people about their support systems. In our treatment plans, we set “increase reliance on support system” as a goal. Frankly, I was using this term left and right. It was not until I began to go through my own divorce, and I found myself literally on my knees, that I really UNDERSTOOD what it meant. SUPPORT IS WHAT YOU NEED WHEN YOU CAN’T STAND UP ON YOUR OWN. Plain and simple. The answer to “how will I ever get through this?” is GET SUPPORT.

Now, support through a divorce can come in many forms. For some, it comes through a network of friends. For others, it comes from their religious or spiritual guides. For many, it comes from therapy. Throw in family, exercise trainers, mediators, attorneys, financial advisors, support groups, and retreats and you realize the list goes on and on. The point is, the support structure you build around you will help bolster you as you fall apart and begin to put yourself back together again. It is a necessity. Reaching out to your supports does not indicate some type of character shortcoming or the inability to “pull yourself up by your booth straps.” This is a RESOURCEFUL move, not a weak one. It is wise, and it works.

Which brings me to this website. This site is intended to be used as part of a well-rounded support network for people dealing with divorce. When Adam first told me about his idea for this website, I knew he was on to something. It is very fitting that I am writing this first piece on the importance of support as he and I have been a part of each others’ support systems through both of our divorces. We have called upon each other when we have needed to vent, dissect, laugh at, be angry at, or feel triumphant about something related to our divorce. Similarly, we invite you to use this site in the same way. Write your stories, and we will all comment and offer our words of support. You have the chance to express whatever it is you want at any given moment. Today, you may write a sad post. Tomorrow, it may make us all chuckle. The point is, honor whatever it is you are going through, and lean on all of us for support.

Merely reading someone else’s story will help you feel more sturdy as you see you are not alone. In time, we will also provide resources to help you find additional help in a variety of areas. Overall, we are excited to have you use this site as a tool in your journey towards the best life yet! Stick around for more posts about healing and moving forward with your life…….