farfromfearless
What happens after your divorce? What do you do for divorce support?
The entire world is a divorce support group. This community that we are building will offer divorce support...you are not alone! And if you have been through divorces, you can support others with your divorce advice and sharing your experiences!
I am here now. But I was not here after my divorce. Being here now affords me to explain to people whom are “there” that it is not easy to get here, but you will get here.
What?
I have a lifelong buddy that i met in 4th grade. We stayed in touch for all these years. I was best man at his wedding, he was best man at mine. His divorce started about 8 months after mine. I remember him calling me to tell me the news. I was on a date at the time. Remember the call clearly as I was walking down the boardwalk in Santa Monica. We were just at Casa del Mar having some lunch, then heading to that art display they had in the containers…what was that called, fire and ice or something?? Anyway, I get a call from my buddy and he is totally aloof on the phone, his voice kind of cracked and he spit it out…”dude, I’m getting a divorce”
I was on a second date with this girl! After the art deal, we were going to go shopping and I was to make some Paella for her at my house. I am on a date and my buddy is freaking on the phone. I remember whispering to her that my best friend is on the phone and announced his divorce.
Her first reaction was to blurt out, “INVITE HIM FOR DINNER”. I did! He was really reluctant as you can imagine, 3rd wheel with a divorce sob story in hand. But I convinced him to come after all it was his mom that taught me how to make the Paella…so it would be some warm and fuzzy crap for him I had hoped.
Mom’s cooking, even though it was cooked by me, did the trick. He did show up, we did make Paella and drank wine, and we did sit out back and start to address his divorce. 2 kids and a really bitter wife. He will kill me for telling all the world this, but I never liked her. We did not get along. My mom pulled me aside at his wedding and said the same. Maybe I can get him to post the details of his divorce here in the near future.
So back to the story, he got really emotional and was wondering what the hell he was going to do. He needed to stay with me for a few weeks to sort his shit out. He was alone and kicked out of his world. She sued him for divorce and he gets booted out of his house and away from his son and daughter…crazy. So now he was at my house really emotional and he was listening to my date give him really sound advice. Imagine that, a girl i just met and she was interested in helping my friend. I actually learned from her words too!
I currently was 8 months over the initial shock of my own divorce. I was dating and enjoying myself. I was in the mode of trying NOT to think about the legal aspects of completing the divorce. I was reborn so to speak. My bro was on the other side. His world crashing around him..all that was, was now gone.
So what happens after divorce? What do you do for support? My buddy was sitting in front of me while I was telling him with confidence: “Dude, in 6 months the feelings you have now will not be the same, you will be beyond this. In one month you will not be the same. Tomorrow you will not be the same. YOU WILL HEAL AND GET BEYOND THIS.” I said this with confidence as I was on the other side looking at him. I myself was on the way to recovery…BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE. My mom always said that from a dead rose and new bud will bloom…and it is true.
What helped me, and what I instilled in my buddy is that support is key. Support from your family. Your close friends. Your pets. Support comes from the most unexpected places. He took comfort in knowing that I had gone through this hell and I was on the mend. Long after this time, he told me that he was so lost and confused…but meeting with me that day grounded him and set him on course for recovery.
I will share many stories and i have a crap load of them. Venting “your” story helps, hearing of others stories helps! I know that I have a twist on this site with the wedding dress deal, but that really is just the icon of the purpose of this site. I firmly believe that if you find support, you will heal. Support comes in many shapes and colors…even come on the internet! This site is a divorce support group so to speak.
Cheers.
Adam
Last 5 posts in Divorce Discussions
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- Divorce 101 | Introduction to Divorce, Legal Separation & Annulment - June 3rd, 2009
- Now Drive Me Far. I Don't Care Where, Just Far. - April 11th, 2009
- Really a single parent! - March 19th, 2009
- What would a divorced guy say at a wedding ceremony? - February 28th, 2009
1 person has left a comment
Dave said:
Reading your bud’s story kinda gave me gooseflesh… it takes me back.
This is a little bit of an aside, but certainly one thing I can be quoted on by my friends, is “a breakup with someone you really care about is my absolutely least favorite human experience.”
When my father died, I was heartbroken, and missed him terribly. I still miss him. When my Stepmom died in 2005, it struck me that the last person on earth who loved me unconditionally had just passed away, and it too was very painful. But these are not the fault of an “other”. In the above mentioned circumstances, time and life was the intervening force.
But when someone you love leaves, or things just change and things are over, it gets down into the guts in a visceral way like nothing else does. It can, and often does, hit right down into the hardwiring of your being and identity. (I will NOT touch on the issue of human dependencies here… worthy of a whole book size discussion)
It shakes the very foundation of everything in your life view about who you are, what you are, where you are, and where you are going. The feelings it incites from your insides feel SO strong, there are times it feels genuinely like you will die… that you can not endure a pain like this.
The temptation to anesthetize it all in whatever it seems will help, is constant and ever present… at the same time there is a howling pounding surf of loss and anguish constantly crashing against whatever sense of your self you thought you had and have settled on as you.
I’m not sure what part of ourselves finds itself obliged to convince us that we will not survive this unprecedented storm of emotion… I think our reaction to pain is as individual as we are… but in whatever ways we are ill equipped or have weak facets in our personal makeup, a bad breakup will put them in stark contrast.
In my own case, one particular bad breakup (my worst one, Susan), the pain finally did cause some things finally breaking inside me. I had to surrender completely to what was in my life, because I just could not manage the anguish any more… there was a sublime opening, and an unfettered “glimpse” of who I really was. All the pain and anguish and hurt, even all that I am, and all that I thought was between myself and Susan, had absolutely NOTHING to do with who and what I was.
It really was something of a burning bush experience. That was the moment I turned the corner, and started really getting my bearings again. There was still a lot of pain to endure and pass through, but it was no longer ME. It was the just the terrain I had to traverse to get past the hurt, and on with my life.
Of course, the obligatory 20 pound loss of excess body fat caused by a breakup, was clearly a positive thing 
“The only way out of the woods, is through the forest”
- Copyright 2012 Adam’s Wedding Dress. All Rights Reserved. My kudos to Chris Murphy for this theme.
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