farfromfearless
DIVORCE/Not Me, My Child’s
More from Adam's Dad! I was talking to a fellow blogger lifetwo.com the other day and he was fascinated with Adam's Wedding Dress. We are going to work together and share stories and link our sites very soon. He told me that nobody that he knows has presented divorce from the eyes of a parent. That is, how divorce takes it toll on the parent of a divorcee. Adam's Dad is generating quite a following. I am so proud of my dad, he is truly my world. I called him up this morning and asked him to draft a story on how a parent feels when a child is faced with divorce. Below you will find an interesting angle!
Please keep in mind that I am not a marriage and family counselor. What I have described below is only based on what I have learned in 63 years of marriage and 83 years of life.
In this little article I have purposely skipped over a divorce involving children because that is a different situation. Some things remain the same, but the children’s lives must be taken into consideration. I can also state that our son has been divorced (no children), and we were able to use much of what you will read below to help US get through his divorce. At a time like this, professional help may benefit everyone but if you are going to suggest it, ask it in the form of a question.
Our child just got a divorce, or has been divorced. What can we do now? Wait a minute, this isn’t our divorce it’s our child’s. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like it or not, you ARE involved. Your response at this time will either endear you to your child or drive your child away. Harsh words perhaps, but true. Bear in mind that your child is hurt and vulnerable and you are in the unenviable position not knowing what to say, or how to say what you think you should say at a time like this.
In the beginning, your job is to listen and say nothing! Do not say anything demeaning about the spouse, ever. Your child cannot just wipe the slate clean of the feelings he or she once had and saying demeaning things about the spouse will cause your child to cut off contact with you. You say something demeaning about the ex, and what your child hears is, “You dummy, how you ever got involved with this person is beyond us.” In his or her mind, you are questioning their original feelings and the ability to make an adult decision. Your child is hurting. Hurting with a capital H and you are being accusatory. Your job is to listen, listen, and listen more. (Some chicken soup probably wouldn’t hurt.)
Difficult as it may be, DON’T GIVE ADVICE! Don’t tell your child about your friend so-and-so’s child who just got a divorce and had this great attorney. Expressions of love are permitted, i.e., we love you dear (or honey, or name). If you need anything, just ask. Remember, your child has been hurt and this type of hurt requires time to heal, a long time. Listen and be there for him or her. Remember also, the good Lord gave you two ears and one mouth for obvious reasons.
Peace
Last 5 posts in Ask Adam's Dad
- Adam's Dad | Advice from a 64 year marriage - June 13th, 2009
- What can you learn from a 63 year marriage? You decide! - March 3rd, 2009
- Divorce Advice and Support from Don Weston - November 29th, 2008
- Who's to blame for your divorce? - November 6th, 2008
- Thank you for calling me wise - September 4th, 2008
1 person has left a comment
Dave said:
Despite not having kids, and not likely I will, this is prescient advice, that suggests the wisdom of experience… once again.
If I may, I’d love to suggest A’s Dad, that you have Adam put up a blog for you as well! You don’t strike me as the sort of fellow who loves the limelight, but with the advent of the information age, and the inroads the internet has made into the lives of millions worldwide, there is a HUGE population of folks who seek out the value of human wisdom and experience online.
In many ways the crucible of events that your generation came from, built the foundation from which principled character and the wisdom of experience could grow, and become something more valuable than gold.
I know that there are fine examples of wisdom, character and dignity around me every day… although I may not know it is so. I can only hope that the current difficulties in the economy may force folks to reflect on where we came from, and re-examine the powerful value of life’s experiences that come from “Our Elders”.
In a great many traditional cultures, the Elders are recognized and respected, even venerated for the wisdom and experience they can bring to our conversation as people and a culture. We have moved away from that too much, and we are worse for having done so.
We need you guys (and gals), and the consul of your experience and longer view… more now than ever.
Anyway… just an idea…
- Copyright 2012 Adam’s Wedding Dress. All Rights Reserved. My kudos to Chris Murphy for this theme.
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