Funny Divorce Quotes

Hi, everyone, I’m Sara! I am a good friend of Adam’s and I will be helping out with whatever the group is interested in. I personally have not gone through a divorce, to be honest I’ve never even been married. But it seems like all my friends and boyfriends have been through it…which makes me unsure about the whole marriage kit-and-kaboodle to begin with. So, while I have plenty of mortifying dating stories I could share, there’s no divorce story (but, hey, I’m optimistic!). I’m also not a divorce expert and would never try to claim that; but I’m completely supportive of what Adam is doing and hopefully I’ll be an asset to this community. One thing I do believe is that the stigma of divorce in our society is morally wrong. I’ll probably make someone somewhere angry about that, but I think it is patently unfair to judge people for not being able to…let’s see…predict the future. Nobody sets out to fail. Everyone tries their best. I really believe that. We’re just too obsessed with permanence and perfection. Adam told me a long time ago that I can’t beat myself up for mistakes. That’s because sometimes mistakes are blessings in disguise, and sometimes seemingly good things cause problems down the road. And there’s simply no way to know in advance. To beat yourself up for events out of your control is to hold yourself responsible for the universe. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to fix what goes wrong, or take responsibility for choices, but enough with the self-judgment! As a serial perfectionist, one thing I can say is that beating yourself up never does any good. We were never supposed to be perfect.

Something I’d like to share, that I feel I can contribute, is the occasional humorous post to give everyone some much-needed comic relief. (No? You don’t need it? Of course you need it!) Whether it’s the craziest divorce stories or funny quotes like you’re about to read, consider me the silver lining on that giant cloud of alimony. I will also be working on researching and reviewing the best divorce support resources for everyone to weigh in on.

But enough about resources. Just take a look at some of the funniest and most famous (or maybe just infamous) divorce quotes:

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce. – Anonymous

If you think you have trouble supporting a wife, try not supporting her. – Anonymous

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years. – Lee Travino

One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas. – Anonymous

She got the gold mine, I got the shaft. – Jerry Reed

Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court. – Norman Mailer

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.
– Elayne Boosler

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. – Helen Rowland

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. – Lord Chesterfield

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck – if you survive you start looking very carefully to the right and left. – Anonymous

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. – Time Magazine

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. – Anonymous

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. – Henny Youngman

Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash. – Anonymous

Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. – J.B. Handlesman

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. (married 13 times, to 11 women)
– Tommy Manville

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100, 000 short. – Mickey Rooney

Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. – Gerard Lieberman

Like I said, I’ve got too much respect for women to marry them, but that doesn’t mean you can’t support them emotionally and financially. – Sylvester Stallone

You can’t stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. – Mike Tyson


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I bet there are some folks here who could give those quotes a run for the money. Let’s hear yours!

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8 people have left comments

Adam - Gravatar

Adam said:

Sara, these not only are great, they are light! Much needed! Thanks!

Posted on: October 19, 2008 at 8:27 pmQuote this Comment
Sara - Gravatar

Sara said:


Posted on: October 19, 2008 at 8:30 pmQuote this Comment
Nita Fudge - Gravatar

Nita Fudge said:

Marriage is grand, Divorce is a hundred grand ~ Anonymous

Posted on: October 6, 2009 at 11:31 amQuote this Comment
Janine - Gravatar

Janine said:

After a 14 year marriage and a 7 year old son, I chose in my early 40’s to divorce my husband. We had a great thing for a long time and I will always cherish that. We have divorced on really good terms. I left him everything since I chose to leave and we share custody of our son. There is a great book out there called The Good Divorce by a woman author. We both read it. It helped us through our divorce. We are good friends and hope we will always be. Marriage is like a book, chapters change and the book always ends. Maybe with the ending we like or maybe not. Life presents the opportunity for growth either way.

Posted on: August 21, 2011 at 10:30 amQuote this Comment
Madelyn Logie - Gravatar

Madelyn Logie said:

Divorce is like butter its really sweet at first then you leave it there for a while and it goes bad

Posted on: March 26, 2012 at 3:18 pmQuote this Comment
Andy Darby - Gravatar

Andy Darby said:

Getting married is like skydiving without a parachute – you just know it’s not going to be a soft landing…

Posted on: October 19, 2012 at 10:34 amQuote this Comment
Andy Darby - Gravatar

Andy Darby said:

And my father always said:

For richer for better – for poorer forget her…

Posted on: October 19, 2012 at 10:35 amQuote this Comment
Pinny - Gravatar

Pinny said:

I just divorced my husband after being married for 18 months. My mother asked if I was ok and dealing with it. I laughed and said “mum I chose to marry the idiot and I also chose to walk out, I’m not the leavee, I’m the leaver which is so much easier” ;)

Posted on: June 2, 2013 at 12:42 amQuote this Comment

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