Your Divorce Story is Your Story, Not Mine…Keep your Advice to Yourself.

• Posted: October 18, 2008
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• Author: Adam
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• Filed under: Divorce Discussions,Divorce Stories
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• Tags: divorce advice, divorce support

All too often I have people coming into my life experience trying to tell me what I need to do and what I need to change. Think about this for a second, minute, or an hour. What can you possibly tell me from where you are that can benefit me? Is your advice really beneficial to me?

Obviously, advice is something of an opinion and it comes from ones own experiences and view of life and the world around us. So how the hell is your advice going to benefit me? I find that my women friends are really into listening to each others issues and “supporting” each other. I’m not so sure guys do the same thing. Where a woman will vent her personal issues, relationship issues, work issues, her friends then acknowledge the issues, men on the other hand will say, “yeah man, my girl is being a chore right now” his supporting friend will say, “no way, that sucks bro, hey, you want to get a beer?”

OK, wait, this did not start out as a male/female comparison, the direction is about advice. I have been viewing many blogs recently and have found a pattern: I will see a blog topic created, followed by comments on what the topic poster should do, followed by the poster defending themselves from the advice of the comment, followed by the person commenting defending their position…and so on and so on and so on.

Have you ever noticed that when a friend in need has a problem and talks to you about that problem, your first inclination is to solve the problem with your own life experiences. You tend to say, “well, what I would do is this”. What I am getting at is how can your friend benefit from what your life experience tells them to do. They are not living your life, their circumstances are so different. Have you noticed that you can give advice until you are blue in the face and your friends end up doing nothing that you tell them to do?

Read this link again if you have some time. Notice that most of the people that have a problem are constantly regurgitating the problem…then advice is given…and the advice is complete sidestepped and we get right back to the problem…. My heart is broken and will never heal, they left me and I will never be able to move on, the pain is so deep…i still only can think about this person, I am so depressed. Then someone comments, gives advice that seems quit logical and sound…but it is just side stepped and we hear the same story, My heart is broken and will never heal, they left me and I will never be able to move on, the pain is so deep…. it is a never ending cycle. This cycle by the way keeps you trapped in never never land of negativity. These people would better be suited in trying to concentrate more positive aspects…how about this for example: My heart was broken, but i know it will heal, it always does in time, this person left me, true, but i can move on and start anew, I can make small steps, the pain IS deep, but every day I will make an effort to heal and be well and be thankful for what i have NOW. You see the difference in that? Much more positive and healing in itself! Can you sense the different emotion that the positive statements evoke? Instead of standing still or moving backwards, these positive statements feel like we are moving forward…don’t they?

My dad (Adam’s Dad) has been my mentor throughout my life. I am blessed to have him. I leaned very young that he would constantly tell me what to do and I listened. His favorite saying of all time was, Good, bad, write, wrong, or indifferent son, that is just they way it is! And for life until I was about 16, I went along with it whether I liked it or not. But as my life started molding itself, I started to do the opposite of what my parents did. My parents are democrats, ok…I am going to be a Republican (funny, to this day that is why I am registered as a Republican) All my dad’s advice was good, but it just did not fit me anymore. I was a maverick with a mission at age 18. I have things to prove and a world to take over. After college I started my own business and really did need advice…and Adam’s Dad was there to give it all. This time around I found that if I listened to his advice, no matter my agreement or not, but LISTENED, I could pick and chose the things that fit my style and situation. It was the discovery of a lifetime! I know in my heart that his advice was his advice, but I could take what i wanted for me!

In my marriage, i found myself to be the teacher. I had to teach how to use a computer, how to cook, how to do accounting, how to do everything. It did not go over well…I did not get it until recently…i was giving advice based on MY life experience and expecting my now ex wife to listen and do as I said. What an idiot! I did not know a basic principle of the Universe back then, and now I do!

I believe that one cannot direct another’s life experience. One is better suited directing their own journey through life.

Now when I give advice, I start out with this. “I have another point of view that may be of interest to you, listen and take all of it in, or none of it, or some of it and use THAT PART to your benefit. I am not you, but this view may be of help to hear!”

So are you still with me? I am all over this place on this post. The point I am making is that when giving advice, be objective and understand that your advise is coming from you and your experience. Better yet, listen more then talk!  And on the flip side, when taking advise, realize that this advice is coming from someone else that is not living your life, they don’t really know what your entire life experience is. Listen with an open mind and take the parts that can be of use to you in YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE.

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