Dating After Divorce | First in a Series of Posts on Post Divorce Dating

• Posted: January 10, 2009
• |
• Author: Adam
• |
• Filed under: Dating After Divorce
• |
• Tags: dating, divorce

When is the right time to date after divorce?

The genesis of most of my posts on Adam’s Wedding Dress are derived from things that I read, hear or experience. Giving divorce advice is not easy! I’ve had my eye on a couple of blogs recently and I see a continued pattern of post divorce questions. In addition to that, my recent membership on Facebook has brought to my attention many friends that are currently dating post divorce. Before I tackle this subject I want to reiterate some of my personal philosophies as well as the core philosophy of this site. I am not necessarily “giving advice” when I write my thoughts that you, the audience, reads. I want to be clear that I am expressing my life experience in a very objective manner. One should not take these writings as a definative “how to” or “should do”, rather take these writings as a point of view for reference. Your life experience is much different then mine. In fact, your life experience is different then any other life experience. Everywhere we look, be it a friend, an article, a book or even a professional, we are overwhelmed with advice and “you should do” or “you need to do”. Until I came to understand that the only person that really gets me is me, all that advice and “should do’s” were pretty worthless. Having said that, now I can listen to advice and “should do’s” with the notion that I take from them what I need, learn from them, and generally invite the experience of others into my experience. So please do that here, take from these words what makes sense to you, understand what you can, then take what works for you.

Dating after divorce will not be a one post subject! I’ll start with some background and continue the thread with many posts. I invite you to participate with comments at the bottom of this page if you are inspired or disagree!

How soon after my divorce can I start dating?

That is the repeated question I am seeing and hearing over and over. How soon after divorce to date? Is there a right time. Should I wait a year? What about my children? Check this thread out on Yahoo Answers for example. Also, if you do a Google search you will find many instances of this question, you will also find people profiting from selling “guides” on this subject. PLEASE!!!!!!

I am not going to talk about a time line, rather I am going to discuss your mindset, this should not surprise you if you have read any of my other posts. I am a man, and my perspective is quite different then that of a woman’s. What I want to present is something general for both sexes, then get into some details for guys and girls. Remember, this is a real life experience of someone that has been through this! To that point I will share some details of my experience.

For 10 years I was 100% faithful to my ex. I met her, and was married 2 years later. Our marriage lasted 8 years. That is 10 years out of my life that I was with one woman and one woman only. I never strayed. This

is important to understand as this shaped my particular circumstance. I have friends with very different circumstances. For example, I have a very close girlfriend who’s husband cheated on her. I have a very close buddy that cheated on his wife. I have friends both male and female that were in very violent relationships, I have a friend that lost his spouse to illness, and, like my situation, I have friends that just had a relationship wear out.

Each of the above situations garners a different mindset in getting back into a relationship. Keep in mind that any kind of dating is a relationship, even if you go on a date and find out the guy is a total tool, that still is a relationship to a very small degree. My post marriage dating experience started from the fact that I was in a worn out marriage, two people that had grown apart. Our marriage became sexless…or more important, sensuality-less (I’m making up words). I am a very social person and was worried sick about being alone, the sooner I could get some opposite sex, human contact the better. Was I “ready” to date? Depending on what you call dating, I was ready for anything that had to do with another woman! For me I could not be more excited to get out in the dating game.

I want to be very sincere and honest here. I had NO intention whatsoever to jump from this marriage into a serious relationship. I wanted to make up for so called lost time and have human contact. I had a new found freedom. Imagine this, being in a “sensuality-less” marriage, a marriage where two people had grown apart instead of together. Now throw me out into civilian life! And remember that I am a guy! This is important: My mind was set (my mindset) on carefree, fun times, NOT another marriage.

What is your mindset? Think that over. This is the first part of my post divorce dating topic. Are you looking to jump right back into a “relationship”, or are you just looking to have “fun”. This matters. From my experience it seems, as a general statement, that my guy friends want to just get out there and have fun.  On the other hand, as a general statement, many of my girlfriends are looking for Mr. Right and want to quickly start up a new, long lasting relationship. I caution the reader to understand that this is just a generalization and not always the case, but for the most part this is what I am seeing. I can honestly say that I did want to just go out and have some “fun”, I was not looking for a new wife.

I’m going to conclude this first post with no real advice (sorry). Read over this background information presented in this post. Consider the fact that there are a pool of people out there, some looking to have “fun” and some looking to find thier next spouse. This holds true for those that are post divorce and those that have never even been married. To really understand when is the right time to start dating, I think it is important to understand what your mindset is…what is it that you are looking for NOW and in the FUTURE. In my next post I will give you some real life examples of my experience and those of my friends. You will ultimately find that it matters not WHEN to start dating, rather what it is you are looking for. With that information in hand, your post dating experience can be positive for you and for those you come in contact with!

If I have provoked any thoughts, please share them in the comment box below. Divorce Support comes in many forms, your input helps.

• (2) Comments
• Permalink
• RSS 2.0
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
•