Divorce Mediation | The Art of Awkward Conversation

• Posted: January 22, 2009
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• Author: Adam
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• Filed under: Ask the Mediator
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• Tags: communication, conversations, divorce, mediation

Looking back on my actual divorce process, I recall that I did plenty of tongue biting. I think that by just shutting my mouth, not getting confrontational really helped the overall divorce proceedings. I really hated being told what to do, I used to be very defensive too, it was a miracle that I was able to just accept my fate and not create more drama in the process. For those that are having trouble being civil, Diana Mercer, our Divorce Mediation Expert has some sound advice in her latest blog post below. You will find these words useful.

Working on unfinished business in any area of life involves having those awkward conversations. There is an art to having those discussions. A lot of damage can be done if people take a rushing, reactive, defensive stance. Much good can come when people can trust things will be kept at a slow burn and the past won’t be used to hurt each other.

Set some ground rules in private or in front of your mediators. No talking down to each other, no swearing, no eye rolling. It’s up to you to determine your own code of conduct. Then, stick to it. You’ve probably been nicer to perfect strangers at times than you have to each other.

Ask permission. Ask your spouse if it is okay to talk about certain issues before you bring them up either in mediation or outside it. If your spouse says no, wait, your chance will come.

The Peace Talks Way is to bring people to vulnerable places, yes but never to use that against them. Each time this happens, we can have a teachable moment which we can apply to all kinds of situations around loss, abandonment, feeling shameful, having secrets, coming clean.

Pace yourself. Take your discussion one step at a time and go slowly. Let your spouse have a moment to digest what has been said or suggested. Then, ask your spouse if he or she is ready to move on. To view a short video on “The Seven Keys to Solving Family Conflict,” see below:

As you move into these teachable moments, remember the first cut is the deepest. It resonates most with the drama and trauma of deep family of origin issues coming up to be integrated. Undigested experiences we have resurface again and again to be dealt with in a way that can feel a lot like emotional upheaval. For a great article on learning the art of diplomatic dialogue, see more here
It is preferable to let issues be digested and metabolized before moving on. Proceed consciously. Never go off half cocked. And if there is a lecture going on in your head you are sure is for someone else, it’s first and foremost for you!

For more information contact Peace Talks see Diana’s bio on Adam’s Wedding Dress

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