Dr. Marjan Madison | When divorce involves children

• Posted: January 30, 2009
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• Author: Doc M
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• Filed under: Ask the Therapist
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• Tags: child, children, divorce, dr. marjan madison, emotional roller coaster, family, parent, parents

We have turned our focus to the single parent this past week. Daniella shared her divorce story and started her column on divorce and the single parent. Now, Dr. Marjan Madison shares some wonderful information on divorce and children from the view of a clinical psychologist.

There’s you, there’s me, and then there’s something greater….When divorce involves children.

Going through a divorce can be one of the most emotional roller coaster rides you will ever encounter. Separating and going your separate ways may be the most gut-wrenching step you ever take. There is one thing that will pull on your heartstrings even more. Divorce when there are children involved undoubtedly adds a profound and complicated layer to an already tumultuous process. That is, you are not only dealing with your own reactions and grief, but now must help your little ones through it as well.

For ages, people have declared that divorce damages children. We hear the term “broken home” and assume that these children will somehow be less adjusted than those that come from an “intact family”. More recently, studies are suggesting that how the parents handle the divorce and later co-parent is what really affects the children. This is good news. This means parents have the power to handle their divorce in such a way that gives their children a chance to still thrive and have a solid childhood. Easier said than done? YES. Can it be done? YES!

Why is this easier said than done? For many people, divorce is so emotionally draining that it leaves them with little reserve to be attuned to the needs of their children. Parents can be in such a state of shock, anxiety, anger, despair and grief that they get completely engrossed in their own reality and lose touch with how much their reactions may be impacting their child. These are not “bad” parents, they are just entrenched in their own pain. These parents are so overwhelmed with their own emotions that they can’t possibly be able to effectively help their children through this difficult time. In turn, their children are left to emotionally fend for themselves, and often times, even feel the burden of taking care of their parents who appear to be falling apart. This does not bode well for children in the short-term or the long run as this complicated pain gets integrated into who they are.

Again, this is where a support system can be exceedingly helpful. If a parent can reach out to others during this time, and directly deal with their own feelings, this can help them keep themselves in check so that they can be emotionally available to their child. This is helpful to the children in a variety of ways. First, when a parent successfully deals with his or her own emotions, he or she will come out of the dense fog of pain and be able to witness what is going on for the child. Second, a parent who can effectively modulate his or her own feelings will model the same for the child. Lastly, feelings that are dealt with and owned by the parent will less likely to be projected onto the child. This last point is one that many parents do not take into account simply because they are not aware of this process. However, I believe it is a key concept, and will devote my next article to explaining this idea further.

Indeed, divorce is never easy. Divorce when there is a child involved is even more difficult. Thankfully, parents can make a commitment to themselves and their children’s’ well-being by empowering themselves to help their kids through it all. Ultimately, parents have a chance to handle the divorce in a way that will actually enable their children to come out of the process with the tools to deal the bumps and turns that come with rollercoaster of life. And boy, will they need it!

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