farfromfearless
Marriage and Divorce |To religion or not to religion?
I've often wondered if love transcends religion. Is there an advantage being married to someone your same race or religion, an advantage that will keep the marriage together. Is divorce inevitable when one crosses the religion border? Here Daniella explores religion and marriage.
I am Jewish but not practicing. My brother was Bar Mizvah’d, I attended Hebrew school, and we were raised celebrating the traditional holidays: Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and of course Hanukkah. We learned about our religion as children. It is up to us to keep the traditions alive as adults. My parents are pretty liberal. Sure, they hoped my brother and I would marry Jewish but more importantly they hoped whomever we chose would bring us happiness. I married a French Canadian Catholic man and my brother married a non-Jew from Utah.
When my daughter was born I suddenly wanted to re-learn all there was to learn about Judaism. I wanted to teach my daughter our history, where we came from and of our incomparable pride and grief. I wanted to re-join the Temple I belonged to as a child. I wanted to continue the traditions I learned from my parents and grandparents. And although my husband agreed The Cross and other non-Jewish symbols would not be placed around or home or on our child, I did not agree to do away with mezuzahs. I hoped to give our Jewish daughter her Jewish name in the same Temple my brother led us in song when he was only 13 during the High Holidays. And even with all this, I hoped to give her the freedom to choose her own way of thinking as she matured. Well, the Jewish naming never came to fruition and only months after her birth my husband and I split. Our daughter now refers to herself as “Jewiss (no h) & Christmas.”
Whether my ex-husband was Jewish or not, whether he made a lot of money or not never factored into my decision to marry him. Yet, in retrospect, I wish I realized just how important my culture is, to me. Marriage and/or any intimate relationship has its own set of challenges and in my personal experience mixing religion/cultures added a negative component which even to this day has an adverse affect on our co-parenting relationship.
My friend Paul, mid 40′s, Jewish, and from Maryland recently broke up with his longtime non-Jewish girlfriend. He is terribly broken up about their break up but not because he doesn’t love her, but because he’s sitting on the fence. His plight is such that he loves his girlfriend but their religions differ. It also works for them, today, or odes it? He questions their partnership, their future, and bringing children into this world together. Although he is a non-practicing Jew he is a Jew, nevertheless. He further understands the fundamental differences between him and his girlfriend and for this he knows their love is not sustainable, or is it? That damn proverbial fence…
Some of my friends suggest my expectations are set too high; perhaps I should, at least, be open to dating non-Jewish men. Thing is, I’ve been there done that and for better or worse I got a do-over. I am not insinuating interfaith marriages can’t or wont’ work. I’m directly saying I know what I want and to fish in a non-Jewish pond simply doesn’t behoove me. ! I am Jewish, my daughter is Jewish, and the man I bring into our lives will be Jewish. I’ve been down the road of cultural hard knocks and now I choose to take the road less traveled. So, if it takes me longer than I’d like to find someone, so be it. I rather have nothing if I can’t have the best (the best for me and my child).
Think about these questions and how they relate to your experience when responding to this post:
1. Is your ex the same religion as you?
2. Did religion/culture play a part in the birth or demise of your marriage?
3. Do you prefer dating men/women with the same belief in G-d as you?
4. Does raising your children with the religion they were born into (whether you’re religious or not) have an impact on the kind of person you bring into your life, and ultimately your children’s?
Last 5 posts in Ask the Single Parent
- CHEATING in the Media - September 1st, 2009
- Parenting After Divorce | Daddy's Little Girl(s) - July 3rd, 2009
- iPhone | Blackberry | Relating to divorce and single parenting? - June 23rd, 2009
- The Single Parent | Divorce has no agenda - June 15th, 2009
- The Big Easy | Friendships Post Divorce - June 8th, 2009
5 people have left comments
David Price said:
Daniella, I disagree with this post/blog. Religion can work even if both are from different backgrounds. YOU choose to make it an issue. It should also be discussed up front before marriage (which I did). As I grew up in Beverly Hills and the entertainment industry, I was one of few Goys 
Religion can add a whole new dimension. But it must be embraced by both parties. Your view is a bit myopic. XD
Allison Goodman Rogeres said:
I am Jewish, my husband is Catholic (he was even an alter boy). I ALWAYS knew or thought I knew that I’d marry a Jewish man. That is all I ever dated until I met him. To me, being Jewish is more a way of life. It’s who you are as a person… inside. My father was Bar Mitzvah’d but no one else was in my family. I enjoy learning about my faith but it’s not really what I’m all about. We raise our children with morals. Morals that we both believe in. While my husband believes in G-d. I do not. When our girls ask questions about religion, we both give our own opinion. They can believe in what ever they choose. It works for us. I admire your decision to only want to marry or have a relationship with a Jewish man but I gotta tell you from my experience, you might let a good one go.
Pauline Rotenberg said:
Daniella, I am Jewish and my husband is Jewish. I can’t say we have a perfect marriage, but it has lasted for 32 years. What you experienced in your intermarriage is very common. All of our siblings have married out of the faith so I have seen first hand the tug of war that occurs. My sister married an “atheist” 22 years ago who agreed to raise the kids Jewish. Everything was fine when they were in their 20′s and working hard paying very little attention to holidays. Once the children came everything changed. I believe at the time my brother in-law made his promise he was being truthful to himself. The problem is in the cultural difference. First it was an issue for him because of the cost of joining a temple. Then he became upset because after all what is the big deal to have a Christmas tree? What is the big deal if we sing Christmas songs around the piano? Why don’t we make the kids Easter baskets? Everyone wants to give their children a piece of themselves to carry on, to bring the joy they felt as a kid to their children. My sister now feels the same way you do. Marrying out of one’s faith does complicate things, even if you try to work things out ahead.
My husband was raised non religious, when I told him it was time for the kids to start hebrew school he asked why. I simply stated “because we are Jewish”. His answer was ” OK”.
Daniella said:
Hi Pauline,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
I received a lot of flack for this article but the bottom line is simply that I know what I want (especially after experiencing what I don’t want). My Mom always said, “You could fall in love with a rich man as easy as you could fall in love with a poor man!” Well, I married a gentile who could not provide for us. Nevertheless, I loved him completely. So obviously I do not discriminate.
I do know that G-d has a plan for me and while the man I bring into our lives may not be Jewish, my hope is that he will. More importantly, I have learned that being a co-captain on the marriage team is very challenging and perhaps if I were to fall in love with a Jewish man it just might be one less challenge we face. Furthermore, I’m a Jew and so is my daughter. I respect our culture and love our traditions. A-men!
Always,
Daniella
Lauren said:
I’m dealing with this situation myself right now and it hurts like hell. I don’t know that I could offer any advice. I was raised as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, got away from it for a number of years (didn’t look into any other religion during that time) to be wild and carefree. I believe very much the things that are taught by the witnesses. Once I had my first child I began to come back around. Then in June of 2008, while not at all interested in finding someone, without looking, I ‘met’ someone at the company where I worked, although he was in a different state than me. It just happened so suddenly, we were sending work related emails and then somehow they just became very personal. A very intense love affair ensued. We dated for over a year and finally broke it off mutually because of our religious differences. He was raised Catholic. He is not a devout Catholic and doesn’t practice it; in fact he feels a general unhappiness about religion. We talked about it many times throughout our relationship but things finally came to a head in November of 2009. I do know it’s for the best, because if I’m going to have someone in my life and end up married, I really do prefer that we have the same beliefs, but it is the most painful thing I’ve gone through in many years. We were so in love and it’s very hard for me to move on with my life. It’s hard to believe I won’t spend my life with this person; it’s all we ever talked about. All I can do is take each day as it comes. If your religion is very important to you, it is best to avoid becoming involved with someone who does not share your faith, for many reasons, some of which of course include the fact that one or both parties will end up hurting very badly.
commentors on this post-
David Price
Allison Goodman Rogeres
Pauline Rotenberg
Daniella
Lauren-
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