Dating After Divorce | 10 Commandments of post-divorce dating

• Posted: March 19, 2009
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• Author: Adam
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• Filed under: Dating After Divorce
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• Tags: dating, Dating After Divorce, divorce, post divorce

Dating

If you read the story of Adam’s Wedding Dress, you would know that the week my ex moved out of the house, I hit the road and visited a buddy in Vancouver. The first few nights were a drunk fest while venting to by bro. He is an amazing listener and was a great help. I think the fact that he was divorced made it  easy to identify with my situation. I mean to say, knowing he had “been there too” made it easy for me to identify with my own situation…really helped talking it out, knowing he had been there too.

“B” as we’ll call him is an actor, good looking and an outgoing guy. Out at the bars in a new city with B was just what I needed. We met so many great people and I forgot about the challenge that lay ahead of me, waiting back in Los Angeles. Turns out I went on 2 dates while I was in Vancouver. 2 Dates? Your ex just moved out of the house, what do you mean “dates”? The dates were really not dates for love or to start a relationship, they were more affirmation that I was still alive with a heartbeat. Nothing happened on these dates more then creating a friendship. I was not ready for anything more at that time. Turns out, that I remain friends to this day with both dates!

When is the right time to date after a divorce?

Do you just jump right back in or follow the rules and wait a year? Are there differences for men and woman? I personally never abide by any rules, rules in the common sense of the term. For matters of my personal life I follow my gut. Rules are made by others. (let’s not go overboard here, I am not referring to rules such as stopping at a traffic light)  Your heart is really all you need. Granted, when I started really dating, I was not ready for a serious relationship, I wanted something light and easy. Looking back, I was very honest with those I was dating, I was clear that I wanted to have the better part of a relationship…the fun and not the hassle. How impossible is that! Regardless, every new date was a new experience and a new opportunity to learn.

This bring me to actually dating. What should you know on a date? I’m a very social person, I never really felt out of practice, but what if you do? What should you expect in someone else? Nerves can take over, you may feel like a school kid once again, but hey, that is the fun part. Did you ever say if I knew then what I know now? Well guess what, you now have the chance! Rejoice in your new freedom! Learn from everyone. Weed out the tools and losers.

Here is a cool list that I found on ivillage.com. The list is kind of sound and practical knowledge, as well as good advice to consider. Not only are these things that YOU should observe, but they are things your date should observe too. Trust me when I tell you this, there are more people out there that are uncompilable with you then there are those that are compatible. Take it light and enjoy the ride! The loser dates are fun to talk about with your friends!

10 Commandments of Post-Divorce Dating

You’ve made the plans, and now it’s time to get down to business. The date portion is one of the most savory dishes on life’s expansive menu so prepare to sample your fair share. You probably don’t want to hear any lectures about the dating do’s and don’ts, so we’ll just skip the do’s and get straight to the don’ts. Just as Moses handed down a set of laws, or commandments, if you will, for us mortals to follow, so shall we bring forth the laws of dating. Should you break a commandment or fail to follow the formula for perfect dates coming up in the next section, you should prepare to endure all the torments of dating hell. That said, let’s get on with the show.

#1: Thou Shalt Not Ignore Thy Date Paying close attention to your date’s every move is not up for discussion. There are some people who feel like they have to leer at every attractive person that walks through the door. Most dates would get offended by this sort of behavior, taking it as a personal insult. So unless you’re intent on hurting your companion’s feelings, keep your eyes and ears directed at your date at all times. If you made your date feel like they’re the only person in the room, you’ll have gone a long way toward living up to your role as the perfect date.

If you happen to take your date to a party and feel like mingling with some of your friends, keep in mind that your date’s happiness is your first priority. Be extra attentive by doing small things such as bringing drinks, initiating conversation, and making all the right introductions. You can bet that your little acts of kindness will not go unnoticed.

#2: Thou Shalt Not Drink or Become Intoxicated Even if you’re not driving, excessive consumption of alcohol and other recreational drugs is strictly prohibited. If you’ve ever been forced to sit through the film Blind Date, in which lovely Kim Basinger proceeds to get sloshed during a night on the town with Bruce Willis, you know that there’s nothing less attractive than a perfectly nice date who’s three sheets to the wind and feeling no pain. As far as first impressions go, this behavior can put you at a disadvantage.

The best way to avoid becoming drunk is to eat plenty before the date. That way you’ll be able to absorb the alcohol faster. Even if you’re just looking to chase the butterflies out of your stomach, forgo the booze in favor of some deep breathing exercises.

#3: Thou Shalt Not Talk About Thy Ex Whether you’ve just broken up, happened to run into your ex that day, or just can’t help digging up the past, talking about your ex is a first date faux pas. The last thing your date wants to hear about is how horrible or great your ex was. As far as your date is concerned, you’ve never ever gone out with anyone before.

Many people think that dredging up a former love will somehow make them seem more desirable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Your date is more likely to think that you’re having a problem letting go and are on the rebound. If they’re smart, they will never want to see you again. If they’re not, it’s you who should be running the other way.

#4: Thou Shalt Not Lie First dates are all about getting to know each other and being honest. If you happen to be out of a job, living with your parents, or hard up for cash, by all means don’t lie about it. You can omit the information, so long as you fess up when asked point blank. Don’t equivocate, don’t change the subject, and don’t make up some elaborate ruse. If the date proves successful, and more follow, you’ll eventually be exposed for the charlatan that you are. And, besides, if your date can’t accept you exactly the way you are, then you’re better off finding someone who isn’t so superficial.

#5: Thou Shalt Not Commit an Act of Road Rage When transporting your date from one destination to another, thou shalt obey the rules of the road and be courteous to other drivers. If you happen to be cut off by a kamikaze driver or even get thrown the bird, act as if nothing happened. Do not, and we repeat, do not proceed to chase down the offender or slam on your brakes to get revenge. Not only will your date be paralyzed with fear for his or her safety; he or she will remain uncomfortable for the duration of this, your first and last date together.

#6: Thou Shalt Not Show Up More Than 20 Minutes Late When it comes to dating, timeliness is next to godliness. The worst thing you can do to your date is keep them waiting. Nobody likes to sit around wondering whether they’re being stood up, especially if they’re already nervous about going out with someone for the first time. Before heading out for the outing, make sure you have scheduled plenty of time to pick up your date. You should also avoid scheduling any other activities for at least one hour before your date. Many dates have been known to be canceled right from the get-go because of tardiness. Make sure you’re not one of the many casualties in the race against time by allowing plenty of room for error.

#7: Thou Shalt Not Come on Too Strong It’s considered in bad taste to make lewd comments about your date’s appearance, touch them without permission, or insinuate wanting to get more sexual. Unless you’re looking for nothing more than a basic wham-bam-adios-amigo — which, by the way, you’re still not likely to score using these tactless methods — keep your sexually charged particles in line.

When getting to know someone for the first time, most people prefer to keep things on a platonic level. That means putting a nix on the sexual advances. At least have the decency to wait until your date is more comfortable with you. Most importantly, never try to push your date into a sexual situation. Always err on the side of caution-even if while their lips are saying no, their eyes are saying yes.

#8: Thou Shalt Not Use Thy Cellular In the name of insufferable bores everywhere, deactivate your cell phone while on your date. Should your friends be trying to reach you, they can leave a message on your voice mail. Using a cellular phone during your date can be a major turnoff. By talking on the phone, you’re saying that your date is not significant enough to captivate your attention, implying that your work and friends are much more important. That’s not exactly the message you want to convey to someone who has kindly agreed to go out with a cellphone-flaunting-Sally like yourself. If you cared enough to go on the date, keeping things lively should be your top priority.

#9: Thou Shalt Not Talk About Building a Family Few things are more frightening than going on a first date and being confronted with the issues of marriage and family. Such situations make most people stop and look around to make sure they’re still in America — as opposed to some countries, where one meeting is all you get before striking an arrangement.

Before sizing up your date for mate potential, take a breather and get a little perspective. You’ve only just met a little while ago. If you happen to be looking for Mr/s. Right, keep your plans to yourself or risk scaring off potential suitors. Remember, whatever will be, will be. Grilling your date about their desire to have kids will only make you seem foolish and desperate. If you want to find out whether someone would make a good husband or wife, try studying their behavior instead. Actions will always speak much louder than words.

#10: Thou Shalt Not Whine If “I want” figures prominently on your list of most frequently used phrases, then prepare to monitor your behavior during date hours. Bossing your date around or pouring on the old “bitch and moan” routine when you don’t get your way are sure-fire ways to spoil a romantic mood. If you have your heart set on doing something particular, take the lead-just make sure your date is fine with your arrangements. If, on the other hand, you’ve let your date take control, either voice your dissent right away or pretend you’re enjoying the 100-degree weather and the two-hour hike. The prima donna attitude will make you seem spoiled, selfish, and definitely not second date material.

I would be most interested to here some comments on post divorce dating. When, how and what has been the outcome? Comment below. Click on the Comments Link

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