Single Dad? Single Mom? | Self Respect holds no gender bias after divorce

• Posted: June 1, 2009
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• Author: Daniella
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• Filed under: Ask the Single Parent
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• Tags: divorce, marriage, perception, running, single mom

When I was four months pregnant I knew I was going to have a girl but only because I wanted a boy. And as the 3D monitor confirmed we were having a girl my face instantaneously doused with tears. I didn’t realize how ungrateful I was being until the Dr. said, “What are you crying about – you are growing a perfectly healthy baby.”

I never feared pregnancy, the delivery or being a mom. My trepidation was solely about relating to a little girl. I was never a girly girl. I didn’t play with dolls, I didn’t like to wear dresses and even as I got older I much preferred to talk and play with boys. I was definitely a tomboy and I was good at it. I was no chatty Cathy, I loved sports and I would climb trees and skateboard over playing dress up etc. As my baby girl grew inside me it gave me time to accept my fate as well as prepare for the pink vs. blue impending arrival. In August 2002 my life changed for the better! Incredibly, because of her birth I gained a great appreciation for most things girl. And even through my darkest divorce days my baby girl brought the most brilliant colors to my life; it’s amazing what color does to one’s soul.

My Dad is a great man. Sure he has his flaws but he is the one man who continually stands by me and he’s never wavered. He is the one man I still feel the closest to and there isn’t a subject I can’t broach. After 45 years of marriage he is still a great role model as a husband. I do however have vivid memories of my Dad telling me to stop crying and always being asked to put on lipstick, to dress more femininely, to slow down so I didn’t get to the door before a man had the opportunity to open it for me. Despite being naturally rebellious, I wonder if some of those things shaped my perception of being female i.e. were women who cry perceived to be weak, are women only attractive when they put on makeup and a dress etc?

By the time my daughter arrived I learned to cry without feeling weak, I felt empowered wearing dresses, and it didn’t hurt that I knew I carried great sex appeal. But today I live for the hours my daughter and I dance around the house singing girly songs; watching her play dress up (she loves my high heals); teaching her how to do her hair and to put on lip-gloss (only). I even suggested she take ballet and she did but later she became more attracted to soccer. She’s close to being 7yrs old and this year she’s been more emotional than year’s prior. As history repeats I often find myself wanting to tell her to stop crying but then I’m reminded how my Dad made me feel. So, I try to give her, her freedom to express herself in her way, to which I presume is perhaps the girly way. While she too is very coordinated and most sports come easily to her she is very feminine and she teaches me just how much fun it is to be a girl! To me, she appears to be a perfect blend of femininity and masculinity. She is my hero on so many levels.

Our home consists of two very strong-willed, independent, and emotional girls. Okay, how can I do her justice when still at 40 I have a hard time comprehending my own emotions, mood swings and men?!

My daughter loves to play with boys (kickball, running, etc) and to my surprise has already experienced a little heartache. I wonder if I’ll ever get it through my head thoroughly enough to teach her that men and women do not play on a leveled field, they take their plays from different hand books; that men for the most part are simple and they like things to be easy. It is women who complicate things. Why? Because we can’t help it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we are simply wired differently but there’s nothing simple about our wiring!

As my daughter matures (and me too) I hope more than anything to teach her that whether she is incredibly feminine or uniquely masculine the only article of value she should wear is self-respect!

Always,
Daniella

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