farfromfearless
Parenting Divorce Support | Keep out of Reach of Children
Our family is growing again! I am proud to announce the addition of Siggie Cohen to the AWD community. Siggie brings a wealth of experience and information specifically related to children and divorce. Her first post below will hit home for many of you coping with divorce and children. Please welcome her by commenting and sharing your thoughts.
Just the other day, in one of my child development courses at a local college, a young high school male student wanted to know what is worst for children: parents that stay together through immense bickering, hatefulness and an obvious struggling and unhappy marriage, or the ones that get a divorce.
This, the ultimate question, has been the source of social puzzlement as well as scientific research for decades now. Even advocates for the well being of children stand on opposites sides.
The controversial and notable New York Times columnist Ayelet Waldman discussed in length, as she angered many, many moms, how she loves her husband more than her children. Unfortunately her point was missed on most of them: Being a responsible adult, Waldman’s underlined, she kept her marriage separate from her role as a parent. Being responsible adults, I said to the young student, married or divorce, you want to keep children out and away from adult issues that don’t pertain to them, if marriage is included, divorce no doubt.
And oh yea, that is just the case out there…
Reality is such that the ability to keep children out of divorce is tougher than anyone anticipates, and the likelihood of children becoming active participants in their parents’ business turns into the norm. Just visit Family Court House on any day of the week; if you were from out of space reporting on this phenomena you’d most likely be certain that all humans either gone mad or became criminals.
Divorce brings out the worst in all of us, probably like nothing else. In this time of crisis, feelings of total loss of control, helplessness, and an enormous sense of failure all generate blinding anger, outmost revenge and masterminded manipulations in the most harmful way. And as our children are the most valuable commodity we have, fighting for what seems to be their well-being can quickly turn into fighting to prove who truly deserves them. From that point on, any pre-existing, typical, child-rearing conflicts between parents might become evidence of a crime scene:
- Lateness equals kidnapping.
- Traces of breakfast on a child’s face – neglect worthy of reporting.
- A bruised knee – goes immediately on attorney’s record as proof.
And don’t tell me I’m exaggerating. If you have been a divorcing parent, you know you felt that, tried it, been there, done that. And if there was an AA circle for divorced adults we’d all have to stand there and declare, shamefully I must add: I’m a Divorcee! Meaning, derailed from any mainstreamed and sane conduct of behavior.
Here’s a funny story, ha-ha…
One particularly chaotic morning with my three children (you’ve been there for sure), I sent my oldest to school… no, wait, it gets worst: to his 5th grade graduation ceremony – khaki pants nicely pressed, I’m sure I bought him a new shirt, and glasses. Oops, his glasses… Pause! Are you getting that court scene? My ex’s attorney’s face glowing with victory, all we’re missing is a shirtless victory lap, my own attorney disgraced, frustrated, perhaps secretly wishing she was the one representing the winning side, and me, shaken with guilt and mostly fear. Oh, I almost forgot. What was it that I did? My crime? I taped my son’s glasses… gasp… which broke at precisely 7 am that morning… gasp… together… with duct tape… final gasp. Could you let me explain? Anyone? Your Honor? Ex? Lawyers? May I speak? I think he was wrestling with his brothers, you know, like boys will do, or perhaps he was trying a new trick on his skateboard…
Alas, in this train wreck in the making it was up to my attorney to be convincing enough. Better yet, to be more brutal. Therefore, able to avoid all allegations and find some counter blame. Like:Your Honor, did you know that her ex forgot to check the backpack and therefore her child missed his best friend’s recital? There you go, good defense!
Wait! Why am I on trial here? You mean to tell me that from this moment forward, each one of my, our, parental choices, our parental mistakes go on trial? Does it mean that starting now I don’t only strive to be a perfect parent, I actually have to be one, never, ever make another mistake: any mistake, or else…? But, wait again, and just out of curiosity, other parents making some mistakes, actually every day, what about them?
Oh, I see. That doesn’t matter because they’re not getting a divorce… ah ha… gasp… let me take this in… gasp… somebody, please, wake me up from this nightmare! I want to wake up… I want to wake up… wake up…
Oh, thank-god! I’m awake. It was just a nightmare…
Well, some of it: I was going through a divorce and it was a dark, dark time, it was my son’s 5th grade graduation and I did tape his glasses together because they broke that morning.
Lucky for my children, my ex and I kept sane through it all, at least sane enough to never drag any of our parental mistakes to the courthouse or ever mention any of them to any divorce attorney.
But sadly enough, this story in every possible variation, plays through so many divorces on the court’s floor, to the dismay of all children watching the show, hating the show, caught in the middle, simply trying to get through their own life, may it be the next play-date with their best friend, watching their favorite TV show while eating ice-cream, or attending their 5th grade graduation, glasses broken or not.
If we could only remember, chant and practice, all together now:
Divorce is for adults only!
Keep (it) out of reach of all children at all times!
(repeats verse as many times as needed).
Please…
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For a full bio on Siggie Cohen, please click here
5 people have left comments
Jonathan said:
Wow! Very well said Siggie! An article that should be read, printed out, hung up on the cork board, read again and repeatedly re-read every morning by everyone who has children (whether currently going through a divorce or not). It’s sad how our children are having their collective innocence stolen by having to be dragged through adult issues such as divorce and all the dirty laundry created by the same. Even more sad is that with all of the wisdom we can pass on, the majority of people going through it will likely make the same tragic mistake (speaking as a someone who didn’t always do the best job of hiding my emotions myself). I know people (some very close to me) who are making the same mistakes on a daily basis and I can’t step in and save their children from this hurtful warfare. It is a very helpless feeling and the wounds that are being inflicted are seldom seen immediately, but run VERY deep! For my part, we are just beginning to heal some of our family wounds as my ex and I are making a concerted effort to work together for the benefit of our children. Our deep and unconditional love for them is a common ground we can always agree on, so we start there and that gives us something to build on.
Looking forward to reading more from you in the future! Thanks.
Jonathan
C. L. said:
i completely agree. Luckily (I say “luckily” only because I see my situation as the best of two evils), my parents divorced when I was 2 years old, too young to have understood what was going on. My older sister, on the other hand, was 5 years old and to this day remembers fights they had. Even though the divorce ended very civilly and to this day my parents are about as friendly as a pair of divorcees can be, my sister is deeply seeded with a sense of distrust toward male figures which she has been unable to grow out of, whereas I never even think about it.
even though children should never be caught in the middle of a divorce, they are like sponges and can absorb a lot more than what they are given credit for, down to every syllable of body language that is going back and forth between the parents. I consider myself lucky that I missed out on the worst part of divorce.
Daniella said:
Although my divorce and child were not dragged through the court system my ex-husband and I have sprayed horrific words onto one another in front of our daughter. While I have learned from mistakes I have also at times, regretfully, regressed.
My ex-husband is naturally defensive – add me to the mix and he literally goes nuts! He shouted abominable comments to me in front of our daughter last week as they were leaving for their summer vacation. 6 years later and no matter what I say or how I say it he just unleashes his fury and in front of our daughter. Painfully biting my tongue I had tears running down my face induced by his bloody words. I tried to escape w/out retaliation. But his last comment, (a quote from his girlfriend) threw me into a tailspin. And, I too threw out one nasty comment. I was more upset that I lost control in front of my daughter. No child should ever be subjected to a father’s and/or mother’s wrath towards one another, ever.
Damn it, I know better! But clearly needed this reminder!
Always,
Daniella
Siggie said:
CL:
Children do absorb the divorce and rightfully, they should, since living in the reality that is their life is important. It is, often, that one child in a family takes more of the burden, either since he/she is older and therefore become the protector of the others. There might be other factors playing a role as to why your sister is the one that came out of this more hurt and scarred. I’m glad to hear that at least you feel as you survived it the best way possible; having a good approach no matter what happens to you in life is sometimes the difference in the quality of life of you actually have.
Jonathan,
Thank you, that is very compelling.
Siggie
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