Permit me to ask you a question: Do you know when you grew up? Was it when you got your drivers license? When you voted for the first time? When you could legally get your first alcoholic drink? When you graduated college? When you got married? The government told you when these things could happen. What do you think?

I am able to tell you exactly when I grew up. Believe it or not, I was married, had two children and was in my forties. Let me start at the beginning.

Adam’s mom and I will be married 64 years this year. As you might expect, there were many bumps along the way. However, we managed to get past them and it was never necessary to even think of divorce. We were partners and we were a team. As with any team (think Kobe Bryant here), there were disagreements. It was during one of these disagreements that I grew up.
We had been married about 20 years and we were in the middle of one of our disagreements. It was getting louder (on my part) and moving in a very bad direction. When the intensity almost reached shouting, Mrs. Weston asked, “Why are you shouting at me?” I thought about that for several seconds, and then I grew up.

My answer? BECAUSE I WAS WRONG!

I had acknowledged that I owned the problem. It did not diminish my stature in her eyes, exactly the opposite; I became more of a man and a husband. We kissed, made up and laughed about the whole thing.

When you have been married as long as we have, then you may be sure you are grown up. Until then, practice, practice, practice.

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Adam asked me to write something about our marriage. I could not understand why he thought this might be relevant to his blog’s subject which, of course, is divorce. After thinking about it for a bit, I came to the realization that this was some tough subject. What could I possibly tell you that you might find of interest? Any partnership is a challenging situation and it is my belief that Marriage is the toughest partnership there is.

Don & Toby Weston

I am not a marriage and family counselor so I can’t tell you how to live your lives, nor would I want to. I guess the only thing I can tell you is how we lived ours.
I met Adam’s mom when I was an 18 year old Marine in 1943. When I first saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I have never changed my mind. One year later, we were engaged and one year after that, in 1945, we were married.

We never had sex! We made love. We were lovers, with all of the attributes attached. (After 63 years, we are still lovers with most of the attributes attached.) At the same time, we became friends, a friendship that has lasted to this day. We shared each other’s day to day triumphs as well as concerns when they came up. We have laughed our way through the years. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some tears as well. But because we came to understand that if we shared our feelings and our fears, the tears would soon become smiles and then the laughter would take over.
In due time, the lovers became the parents of a beautiful girl and a whole new life presented itself. Both of us became involved with “our family.” Each of us assumed new and sometimes unfamiliar tasks, but we never lost site of the fact that we were a team, helping each other when help was required. Nor did we lose sight of the fact that we were still lovers, albeit lovers with a small distraction and lovers who had to become more creative, time wise. However, we managed to come through this period with a minimum of problems, time wise. As our daughter got older, we (my wife and I), took “naps,” as required.

Twelve years later (a long time) our second child, a boy, came along and thankfully, our family was complete, including the little poodle we got for our daughter. At this time, we began traveling all over the state of California by car. We had a station wagon and we placed an air mattress in the back for our daughter and a porta crib there for the “baby,” and away we went. We became a traveling little family, introducing our kids to the history of California, fishing, etc.

As time progressed and the children got older, I had to explain to them that our home was not a democracy, that I was the King. This lead to the inevitable, “just wait until your father gets home.” I guess I was a tough dad, but we won’t dwell on that.

In due time our daughter married and our family got smaller and also about this time I was having some financial difficulty. Adam’s mom and I put our heads together and that is when we found out that his mom was a tough lady. I mentioned to her that if she could somehow make about $100-200 per month it would help us. Well, she rolled up her sleeves, took out her sewing machine and proceeded to make money. When I asked her how come she never did this before she replied, “you didn’t ask me.” That was the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and the beginning of Toby Weston Handbags.

Ultimately, I sold the little business we had and I joined Mrs. Weston’s company. Talk about a partnership; we were together 24 hours a day. We shared responsibilities. She handled production and sales and I handled billing, collection and financial. If we did not get divorced then, we were never going to get divorced. We disagreed, we argued, we did not see eye to eye but she never hit me! And the business prospered. We made it a corporation with Mrs. W as the president and me as the CFO.

Believe it or not she was with it for 35 years and I was with her for about 28.

During all these years there was never a question about trust, respect, understanding, or commitment. All these things were a given. Divorce was never an option. We began as a team and we will remain a team to the ending.

We still hold hands when walking. We still profess our love each other. We still laugh a lot and we are still best friends.

So, you have hit one of life’s little rough spots. We have talked about this before. You are looking around for answers and find it difficult to locate a viable source. What about your parents?

O.K., let’s get the laughter over with. Let us assume that they are not divorced themselves. And even if they are, they are still your parents. Who better to talk to? Who else has a bigger investment in you? Who else is in pain because of your problem? Who else has placed their hopes and dreams in you?  At this moment, who loves you more than your parents? Be honest!

Let’s examine this possibility a bit closer. Your job is to understand that they come from a different time warp. Their job is to understand that they come from a different time warp.  One of the most difficult things for parents to understand is times changed and your world is no longer their world. One of the most difficult things for you to understand is your world is no better or that theirs is no worse. Everything depends on both of you understanding that your worlds are different. Look, I am certain that your parents offer you pounds of information. Please don’t tell them they don’t know what they are talking about. They do, but much of it may be outdated. To know how to handle it, read on.

If your parents are living, you are very lucky to have this valuable source of information about life. That is exactly what they can be if you will let them; a valuable source of information. If you use this source effectively, you could be surprised how much of the information, because of their life experience, can be valuable to you. BUT, you must know how to use the information. You have to absorb their information, sift through it and determine what can still be relevant at this time and this arena, and what has to stay in their time warp because it is not relevant at this time. If you write them off as an info source, it would be like tossing out a world book of information because you didn’t like the color of the cover.

Now is the time to knock them off their feet with, “Mom, Dad, I need your input.”
Peace
Adam’s Dad – Don Weston

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I’m a good person!

That bitch, that a**hole. Look what he/she has done to me. I’m looking everywhere to try to find out what happened. To make some sense of this! I’ve checked with many of my friends and acquaintances as well as my family members. How did this happen to me? I get along great with the people at work and everyone I know thinks I’m a great person. Gee whiz, I’ve looked everywhere.

Have you?

It seems to me you haven’t looked in the one place that could give you answers. Have you looked in a mirror?

That person looking back at you knows what problems there might have been. He or she is the one person you have to be honest with. C’mon, you know what I’m talking about.

It might be something you did or something you didn’t do. But it is essential that you make an honest effort to figure it out. Why? Because sooner or later you will be in another relationship and if you haven’t figured out where you went wrong with this one, you are doomed to make the same mistakes. But what do you do if you don’t seem to be able to work it out yourself? Then IT’S TIME TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!

You can’t save what already happened, but, you can save what will happen in the future. I have forgotten who said the following: Physician, heal thy self, but I am going to make a change or two and say, Man/Woman, know thy self. Knowing thy self will lead to happiness.
Adam’s Dad

In this little article I have purposely skipped over a divorce involving children because that is a different situation. Some things remain the same, but the children’s lives must be taken into consideration. I can also state that our son has been divorced (no children), and we were able to use much of what you will read below to help US get through his divorce. At a time like this, professional help may benefit everyone but if you are going to suggest it, ask it in the form of a question.

Our child just got a divorce, or has been divorced. What can we do now? Wait a minute, this isn’t our divorce it’s our child’s. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like it or not, you ARE involved. Your response at this time will either endear you to your child or drive your child away. Harsh words perhaps, but true. Bear in mind that your child is hurt and vulnerable and you are in the unenviable position not knowing what to say, or how to say what you think you should say at a time like this.

In the beginning, your job is to listen and say nothing! Do not say anything demeaning about the spouse, ever. Your child cannot just wipe the slate clean of the feelings he or she once had and saying demeaning things about the spouse will cause your child to cut off contact with you. You say something demeaning about the ex, and what your child hears is, “You dummy, how you ever got involved with this person is beyond us.” In his or her mind, you are questioning their original feelings and the ability to make an adult decision. Your child is hurting. Hurting with a capital H and you are being accusatory. Your job is to listen, listen, and listen more. (Some chicken soup probably wouldn’t hurt.)

Difficult as it may be, DON’T GIVE ADVICE! Don’t tell your child about your friend so-and-so’s child who just got a divorce and had this great attorney. Expressions of love are permitted, i.e., we love you dear (or honey, or name). If you need anything, just ask. Remember, your child has been hurt and this type of hurt requires time to heal, a long time. Listen and be there for him or her. Remember also, the good Lord gave you two ears and one mouth for obvious reasons.

Peace

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I want to thank the person who called me wise. Wisdom, believe it or not, does not automatically come with age. Wisdom, to a large extent, comes from mistakes! Permit me to point out why and how.

A mistake, handled properly by you, can be an amazing learning opportunity. The Wright Brothers made a mistake in the design of their wings. They made a learning opportunity out of the mistake and look where aircraft are now. Someone in a lab in London made a mistake and left some bread out on a table and the mistake led to penicillin.

O.K. so you’re not going to invent an aircraft or a medical miracle. Perhaps your mistake was a marriage! A bigger mistake can be made here by not admitting it’s your mistake. By trying to place the blame elsewhere (which I believe is a human failing), you deny the opportunity of giving yourself a learning experience. Heaven knows that I have made many mistakes in my life, but I made as many as I could into a learning experience and in doing that, perhaps I have become wiser. DON’T BE AFRAID OF MAKING MISTAKES. DON’T GET DOWN ON YOURSELF FOR MAKING A MISTAKE. Remember this old adage, “Smart people, with a lot of lemons make lemonade. Peace.

–Adam’s Dad

You have probably just read “Adam’s wedding dress.” It is a great true story, but I might be prejudiced, I am Adam’s dad. Adam’s Mom and I have been married going on 63 years! So, you ask “what the heck do you know about divorce?” Not much, I admit, but I saw my son go through one and it wasn’t pretty.You’re hurt, betrayed, confused. You have gone to your friends, to your family, to your religious contacts and perhaps to your friendly bar tender.

They all seem to tell you the same thing, “life goes on.” You had your life all planned and then this. Was it your fault? What now? After the drinking, and the one-night stands you are still hurting inside and you can’t seem to shake the feeling. You blame everything and everybody, including yourself, but you still can’t seem to get over it. You have to get these feelings out of you, but how.

Let me digress for just a moment. About 40 or so years ago, I was lamenting my life and questioning why I was put here on earth. The only possible answer was to help other people. Therein is the answer to getting this whole thing out of your system, helping other people. Volunteer at a food bank or serve meals to the poor or become a docent at a museum. Anything that will make a difference in another person’s life will make a difference in yours. Your life will have purpose again. Try it! Peace.
–Adam’s Dad

Foreword: Aside from the fact that I come from a different time warp, I cannot for the life of me understand why a couple would opt to live together without the benefit of marriage. Oh, sure, I understand from the perspective of the male; all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities. He will put his name on the contract for a new car, assume responsibility for its upkeep, make sure to keep it in top condition, but will not do this for another human being. What I find difficult is how a woman can put herself in a position such as this. Please don’t tell me you will marry your “live-in” sometime in the future. Much of the time that does not work either. Before you jump into the deep water of living with someone, make certain that you can swim.

LOVE:   An amazingly complex word. In Webster’s Dictionary, the word love, alone or in combination with other words, (i.e. love making, love sick, etc.) takes up over a full column. The number 1 definition is as follows: “a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person.”

So, two people meet, they develop deep and tender feelings for each other, they pledge their “love” and they get married. Where did those “deep and tender feelings” go when they decided to get divorced? Is it something like a computer delete? One pushes a button and these feelings and these marriages disappear into cyberspace somewhere? They were “in love,” with all the connotations and definitions that went with it. What happened? Simple; they did not do their homework and/or realize and accept that marriage is work 24/7 for both parties. Consequently they fell into the 50-55% of people marrying now who will soon be divorced.

Let me state that I am not a marriage and family counselor.  Actually, I am not a counselor of any kind. I am only someone who has been married over 62 years and has some thoughts on marriage. Not necessarily why they don’t work, but rather what is needed, in the beginning, for them to work. This is my take on the problem. It all starts at the beginning (novel idea), a guy and a gal getting a marriage license!

If they were going to get a license to fly a plane, they would have to study flight, mechanics, weather and many other subjects, before they were ready to fly. Then, before they take off, they have to go over a check list to be sure everything works the way it should and nothing has been forgotten. Unfortunately, they do not have to study anything to get a marriage license. All they need is…. “Love!”

There’s that word again, Love. Let me explain something, and please remember that I have over 62 years of experience with this word. When they are married 5 to 10 years, they can talk to me about love. RIGHT NOW THEY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

O.K. we agree that checking out a checklist might be a good idea before taking that giant leap. So, where can one get a marriage check list? Let’s see. You could go to the library and peruse at least 200 books on the subject, written by highly educated people who may not  be married 62 years (their record is not that great). Or you could check out the following one minute list written by a not so highly educated person who is  married 62 years:

MARRIAGE CHECKLIST:
Every one of the following is unbelievably important to you:

This guy/gal would be a terrific friend; this guy/gal has a great sense of humor; this guy/gal seems to really be interested in me, my family, my work, my life to this point; this guy/gal talks to me about his/her family, work and life to this point; this guy/gal has a lot of long time friends. If any of these is missing, RUN. If he/she suggests moving in together, RUN. If you think you will be able to change him/her after marriage; the odds are — it ain’t gonna happen!  And remember, you cannot know someone well enough, in three or four months, to hand them your life. Feel free to add other items important to you.

Okay. They (our imaginary couple) have checked out the check list (homework), have discussed it with parents and religious counselor and have decided on marriage.

The day has arrived, they stand under the Chupah (marriage canopy), recite the vows, he has stomped on the glass, everyone has shouted, “Mazel Tov” (good luck), they have chicken and cherries for dinner, they cut the cake, they have been bounced in the air on chairs by friends and relatives, they dance the Hora (Israeli dance), and off they go into life. Forgive me. There is one more vow that should be spoken, (with apologies to Rabbi Akiva): Do not do unto your spouse that which is abominable to you. Okay. Our couple is now ready to take off into the wonderful world of married life.

For just a moment, let’s get back to that word, LOVE, and a new word, mature. Our couple will begin to understand love when they begin to grow up! Growing up isn’t an age. In marriage it begins with understanding the concept of respect for one another as well as trust, consideration and a willingness to admit when one is wrong. It begins when they realize that marriage is a partnership, perhaps the most difficult one, but a partnership nevertheless. An equal partnership, a mature relationship,

Now, about this new word mature.  The dictionary says: MATURE: A person of mature age. What the heck does that mean? I don’t believe there is such a thing as a mature age. The government says that one is mature enough to drive a car at 16, mature enough to drink alcohol at 21, and mature enough to be a soldier or vote at 18. A young couple can stand before someone who decides that inasmuch as the couple wants to be married, and they have a license, they must be mature. This is not car repair. This is a life-changing act. Life, as in the rest of one’s life! Alright, I give up, where does one go to get mature? It ain’t easy.

Our couple has started out in a mature manner. Now they are married and the real work begins.

They (our imaginary married couple) talk to each other about everything that’s on their minds. Through this communication, they learn to respect and trust each other. Through this communication they create a lasting friendship and admiration for each other as they mature. Through gaining this maturity, they grow as individuals and as a team. They show consideration for each other. They are lovers and friends, best friends. They laugh a great deal and they build a genuine liking for each other. It is work, but they see the work paying off as they both grow and they begin to understand the real  meaning of love.

It is inevitable that even the best marriages sometimes have a bumpy road. Problems will arise, but now our couple has the maturity to tackle these problems together as they find solutions utilizing marriage shock absorbers such as laughter, communication, negotiation, consideration and more laughter.

Let me simplify the above; Trust, respect, communication, friendship, admiration, negotiation, laughter, consideration, and understanding. All of these words working together spell M-A-T-U-R-I-T-Y and L-O-V-E. Omitting even one or two of them may, over time, spell D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

I don’t know if I have solved anything here. I hope that I have shed some light on the subject at hand. However, the one thing I can truthfully say is, it has worked for us, me and my love, for over 62 years. Peace!
-Adam’s Dad