Going through a divorce can be one of the most emotional roller coaster rides you will ever encounter. Separating and going your separate ways may be the most gut-wrenching step you ever take. There is one thing that will pull on your heartstrings even more. Divorce when there are children involved undoubtedly adds a profound and complicated layer to an already tumultuous process. That is, you are not only dealing with your own reactions and grief, but now must help your little ones through it as well.

For ages, people have declared that divorce damages children. We hear the term “broken home” and assume that these children will somehow be less adjusted than those that come from an “intact family”. More recently, studies are suggesting that how the parents handle the divorce and later co-parent is what really affects the children. This is good news. This means parents have the power to handle their divorce in such a way that gives their children a chance to still thrive and have a solid childhood. Easier said than done? YES. Can it be done? YES!

Why is this easier said than done? For many people, divorce is so emotionally draining that it leaves them with little reserve to be attuned to the needs of their children. Parents can be in such a state of shock, anxiety, anger, despair and grief that they get completely engrossed in their own reality and lose touch with how much their reactions may be impacting their child. These are not “bad” parents, they are just entrenched in their own pain. These parents are so overwhelmed with their own emotions that they can’t possibly be able to effectively help their children through this difficult time. In turn, their children are left to emotionally fend for themselves, and often times, even feel the burden of taking care of their parents who appear to be falling apart. This does not bode well for children in the short-term or the long run as this complicated pain gets integrated into who they are.

Again, this is where a support system can be exceedingly helpful. If a parent can reach out to others during this time, and directly deal with their own feelings, this can help them keep themselves in check so that they can be emotionally available to their child. This is helpful to the children in a variety of ways. First, when a parent successfully deals with his or her own emotions, he or she will come out of the dense fog of pain and be able to witness what is going on for the child. Second, a parent who can effectively modulate his or her own feelings will model the same for the child. Lastly, feelings that are dealt with and owned by the parent will less likely to be projected onto the child. This last point is one that many parents do not take into account simply because they are not aware of this process. However, I believe it is a key concept, and will devote my next article to explaining this idea further.

Indeed, divorce is never easy. Divorce when there is a child involved is even more difficult. Thankfully, parents can make a commitment to themselves and their children’s’ well-being by empowering themselves to help their kids through it all. Ultimately, parents have a chance to handle the divorce in a way that will actually enable their children to come out of the process with the tools to deal the bumps and turns that come with rollercoaster of life. And boy, will they need it!

The path you taking on your divorce recovery may define you!

Divorce is typically an exceedingly tumultuous time. Life, as you know is about to take a drastic turn. In the midst of the fog of anxiety, sadness, and loss, it can be so difficult to see clearly. Fortunately, the best in you still always there, and despite the angst, there are moments where the road ahead is visible. If you pay attention, you may see a fork in the road. As scary as it may seem, the fork in the road presents an opportunity. That is, will you allow your life to take the direction full of bitterness, blame, despair, victimization and regret? Or will you choose a path lined with integrity, dignity, accountability and empowerment? Ultimately, the path you choose in those moments will inform the kind of life you will lead.

I often tell my clients, it is not what happens to you, but rather, how you handle it that makes all the difference in how you feel about yourself and your life. The same is true for divorce. The fact that you are going through a divorce is not as important as how you go through it. No matter what happens, no matter how your ex handles things, how the lawyers handle things, in every moment you have a choice. HOW will you handle it? Will you navigate from the best in you or the worst in you? Truly, this is a question you can always ask yourself. The worst in you may feel like fighting dirty. The worst in you may feel like manipulating the situation to reduce your anxiety. The best in you, on the other hand, will reach into your integrity and handle things in a way in which you will be proud of yourself. The best in you will value handling the situation in a way in which your dignity shines through. Ultimately, you will feel so good about yourself, even if your life circumstances are difficult and yucky. We all have our moments when our fear takes over and we try to control or change a situation. As we mature, we realize that not all things can be controlled or changed and that can be an utter waste of energy. So, rather than falling victim, we can empower ourselves and at least handle ourselves in a way in which we can feel proud. Really, sometimes that is all we have in a terrible situation. In the end, that defines the path we take. That path, in turn, defines what kind of life we lead. Which will you choose?

Dr. Marjan Madison’s full bio and other contributions can be view here

“I just don’t know how I will ever get through this….”  Time and time again, I hear these words uttered in my office as my clients share their stories with me.   I can see in their eyes that what they are embarking on, the dreaded “D” process, seems like an insurmountable feat.  They are flooded with emotion, they feel like the floor has dropped from under their feet, and they feel as if their life is unraveling, both from the inside and the outside.  From that terrifying place, again, they take a big sigh and repeat, “I just don’t know how I will ever get through this.”

Support through a divorce can come in many forms. For some, it comes through a network of friends. For others, it comes from their religious or spiritual guides. For many, it comes from therapy. Throw in family, exercise trainers, mediators, attorneys, financial advisers, support groups, and retreats and you realize the list goes on and on.

In my gut, I know they CAN get through it.  I’ve seen clients get through it, friends, family, and I, myself, know what it like to get through it.  If someone were to ask me, what is the single most important element in a HEALTHY recovery from a divorce, my answer would always be quick and always be the same:  SUPPORT.   I’m a psychologist, and I will be the first to admit that we throw certain buzzwords around, like “support system.”  We are trained encourage people to establish a solid support system.  In our diagnostic evaluations, we ask people about their support systems.  In our treatment plans, we set “increase reliance on support system” as a goal.  Frankly, I was using this term left and right.  It was not until I began to go through my own divorce, and I found myself literally on my knees, that I really UNDERSTOOD what it meant.  SUPPORT IS WHAT YOU NEED WHEN YOU CAN’T STAND UP ON YOUR OWN.  Plain and simple.  The answer to “how will I ever get through this?” is GET SUPPORT.

Now, support through a divorce can come in many forms.  For some, it comes through a network of friends.  For others, it comes from their religious or spiritual guides.  For many, it comes from therapy.  Throw in family, exercise trainers, mediators, attorneys, financial advisors, support groups, and retreats and you realize the list goes on and on.  The point is, the support structure you build around you will help bolster you as you fall apart and begin to put yourself back together again.  It is a necessity.  Reaching out to your supports does not indicate some type of character shortcoming or the inability to “pull yourself up by your booth straps.” This is a RESOURCEFUL move, not a weak one.  It is wise, and it works.

Which brings me to this website.  This site is intended to be used as part of a well-rounded support network for people dealing with divorce.  When Adam first told me about his idea for this website, I knew he was on to something.  It is very fitting that I am writing this first piece on the importance of support as he and I have been a part of each others’ support systems through both of our divorces.  We have called upon each other when we have needed to vent, dissect, laugh at, be angry at, or feel triumphant about something related to our divorce.  Similarly, we invite you to use this site in the same way.  Write your stories, and we will all comment and offer our words of support.   You have the chance to express whatever it is you want at any given moment.  Today, you may write a sad post.  Tomorrow, it may make us all chuckle.  The point is, honor whatever it is you are going through, and lean on all of us for support.

Merely reading someone else’s story will help you feel more sturdy as you see you are not alone.  In time, we will also provide resources to help you find additional help in a variety of areas.  Overall, we are excited to have you use this site as a tool in your journey towards the best life yet!  Stick around for more posts about healing and moving forward with your life…….