Divorce is as prevalent as ever. There are people close to me that are in the middle of battles that are beyond me in comprehension. For example, one of my close family members is facing criminal prosecution currently. CRIMINAL! His ex wife is prosecuting him. What type of person does this? They have children and he is being prosecuted over money and finance. What has the world come to.

I was prompted to return to my writing here by my neighbor. We had a conversation last night as he walked by with his dogs. “hey, how’s it going? Not good. Oh? What up? Wife took my daughter on a trip and was not at the airport for her scheduled return….” Even for the celebs like Shania Twain and LeAnn Rimes, these are life changing events. Often times in the present moment life shattering.

I’ll start some new stories in the coming weeks. I have much to share about my own divorce that may be useful to others. Not negative bad gossip, no bashing…just experience of the chain of events i have seen in the past four post divorce years.

I urge all of you to pitch in and send your divorce story or experience. I have had some amazing feedback from the readers of this site. Any comments on posts, or submission of stories help others therapeutically.

It’s nice to write again!

What’s the difference between a divorce, a legal separation, and an annulment?

A divorce (also called “dissolution of marriage” or “dissolution of domestic partnership”) ends your marriage or domestic partnership. After you get divorced, you will be single, and you can marry or become a domestic partner again.

If you get divorced, you can ask the judge for orders like child support, spousal support, partner support, custody and visitation, domestic violence restraining orders, division of property, and other orders.

For married persons to get a divorce, you MUST meet California’s residency requirement. For information about residency for domestic partners, click here.

Please visit our new Forum

You asked and we listened, we created a new forum section on Adam’s Wedding Dress for open community discussions. Of course, the forum is in its infancy, but please stop by and start a thread! click here

A legal separation does not end a marriage or domestic partnership. You can’t marry or enter into a partnership with someone else if you are legally separated (and not divorced). A legal separation is for couples that do not want to get divorced but want to live apart and decide on money, property, and parenting issues. Couples sometimes prefer separation for religious reasons.

You do not need to meet California’s residency requirement to file for a legal separation. If you file for a legal separation, you may later be able to file an amended petition to ask the court for a divorce-after you meet the residency requirements.

In a legal separation case, you can ask the judge for orders like child support, spousal support, partner support, custody and visitation, domestic violence restraining orders, or any other orders you can get with a divorce case.

An annulment (or “nullity of marriage” or “nullity of domestic partnership”) is when a court says your marriage or domestic partnership is NOT legally valid. A marriage or domestic partnership that is incestuous or bigamous is never valid. Other marriages and partnerships can be declared “void” because:

• of force, fraud, or physical or mental incapacity;
• one of the spouses or partners was too young to legally marry or enter into a domestic partnership; or
• one of the spouses or partners was already married or in a registered domestic partnership.

Annulments are very rare. If you ask to have your marriage or domestic partnership annulled, you will have to go to hearing with a judge.

Note: If you have children in common with the other party, you must ask the court to establish the parentage of that person. Check with a lawyer about how to do this. Click here for help finding a lawyer. The family law facilitator may also be able to give you some information.

Can anybody fly this thing?
Before my head explodes.
Or my head starts to ring.

I run. I’m running, listening to music that has moved my life. I cry. I really do, I’m running and crying.

But everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my means

Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

I’m flying too fast, too too fast I fly, trying to keep up, I’m not even looking out the window, I’m not stopping to breath and smell the flowers…what good is it to fly so fast if you can’t smell the flowers, something is very wrong. My feet chug my body up an amazing trail, the weeds are growing, but they are low, there are a few foot prints of the warrior that preceded me on this run. There are flowers, I’m just trying to get to the top with as little pain as possible, I have a long way to go, no time to stop and smell the beautiful wild flowers…i know they are there, I see them in my peripheral vision. They are there, I can’t stop, make it to the top

Check my beat dig they rhythm
Me belly full but me hungry so I fill it
Once I start gaining taxes start taking
Cause the governments perfected funk faking
Breaking me down striking me down
What goes around comes around but
I keep rising seeing through the lies and
The surprise comes when I see myself
The music I felt
Im on

This aint living
This aint living
Oh no

Why do I put so much pressure on myself to please others, why does it seem that I am always caring about everyone else, doing the right thing, what about me?

Don’t let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don’t try
Don’t let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there’s a strength that lies

Don’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by
Don’t look for love in faces, places
It’s in you, that’s where you’ll find kindness

Be here now, here now

I’m still now, made it to the top of the hill, still, sitting looking over the world before me, crying more, crying harder. Is this where I am suppose to be right now? Did I notice how beautiful everything was on the way up? It is not the fact that I am here now, it was the journey…shit, did I miss the journey up here? No, wait, noticed some stuff….or did I?

Come on, my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If i, if I’d only waited
I’d not be stuck here in this hole
Come here my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I’ve got to get out of this hole

But time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It’s no cause for concern

Time is on my side, I CAN choose what to do next. I’m calm, the emotion of the music moves me more. Slow the F*** down Adam.

Sometimes when I feel so boxed in
I wanna go and take a ride
Grabbed the keys and my cigarettes
And disappeared into the night

Two choices right now, be around a bunch of friends, or just be by myself, sometimes I like to be by myself….me too!

Sweet memories Flashing very quickly by
Reminding me Giving me a reason why
I know that My goal is more than a thought
I’ll be there When I teach what I’ve been taught
AND I’VE BEEN TAUGHT.

I won’t be satisfied with the changes that have happened to me over the past 3 years until I get to do what I am here for, it cannot possibly be to work my ass off like i have been, to financially take care of everybody, no it can’t. I want to learn and I want to teach. I’m doing little of either now, I am on a treadmill, stuck, paying my debt to my marriage, my employees, my friends, and me.. for my perception of what is important.

I’ve been so long in waiting
Putting my life on hold for this
Chance to live out my dreams
You think you know what I should
Do with the choices I now have
Make them benefit you
What if I don’t wanna hear the things you say
Where were you when I was needy yesterday
You want in with me, now that it’s good
But it’s too little, too late

Yes, I’m on my own, everyone needs a piece, when it is good, will I get my piece? How to get off this treadmill? How?

Aquí estoy pensando que no tengo mucho que ofrecer
Pero yo sé que lograré salirme de esto porque ya es tiempo

Pero dime dime dime dime cuanto
Pero dime dime dime dime cuando

Llegará llegaré, llegará llegaré
Sí, llegará llegaré, llegará llegaré

When, tell me when I will have the strength to make my next change? Will I? Yes I will, Yes I will.

Recovery…. Now I write, and I feel more at peace, you can too!

I’ve never written on the topic of “single parent” to date; however, something that I heard  yesterday really shook my world. As you may know from reading this blog, my ex did not leave me with anything in the way of children, we had none…she left just the dogs. So my personal experience regarding a divorce with children is not in my immediate world. A divorce with children is in my world however.

I recieved a call from one of my very dear and long time friends yesterday. He has been divorced for 6 months less then I have. I was by his side coaching him on during his hard time. His hard time never really ended. He was not as fortunate as I have been. His relationship ended much the same as mine, just a disconnect between two people. Unlike my mediation process, his divorce was a full fledged war of the attorney’s. For her good reasons, she battled him for every penny he had…the horror story divorce. Right down to fact of claiming his success what due to her support! Neither party won in the long run…he really took it on the chin…yes I am very biased, but his strory is real insanity.

Yesterday he told me that she is now serving him with papers to start a custody battle with him. THREE YEARS LATER. You see, she met someone back east, and now she wants to move back east and take their kids with her. He will lose his kids AND have to pay her more child support! She even told him that her attorney said it would be best if he picked up the serving papers himself at her attorney’s office!!!!! The damage to these children has to be irreversible, no?

My friend is torn to shreds again. Now he has to fight for his kids! Can someone be that selfish to take children away from a parent? Under what circumstance is this acceptable? My friend is a very successful stand up guy. He is a great father too. I know there is another side to every story, but I am so sad tonight..not only for my friend, but for everyone that must endure this sensless hell that we have created.

That is all I’m saying….

Where would I start, what could I possibly say?

A very dear friend asked me to marry him and his soon to be wife. An honor so great that I actually got a huge lump in my throat. I met him over 10 years ago playing hockey. Always on the other team, and always better then me, I had that adversarial hate for him that you gain in competition. A turn of events and we ended up on the same team and a friendship was struck. No pat on the ass in the locker room, but a good friendship. Another turn of events and we started working together, he is a very gifted artist! Another turn of events and I was sitting at his bedside for a month straight while he battled and beat against cancer. Another turn of events and I was sitting at a golf course restaurant after a round of golf and introduced him and nudged him to ask a girl for her number. Another turn of events and they got engaged. Another turn of events and they asked me to perform the marriage ceremony. Honor is the only word that bubbles past the lump in my throat.

The reality of my marriage comes back to me. Was it a failure? Because we are not together NOW, was it a failure? I suppose if you want, you can look at it that way. But as I have grown in the past years, I have the ability to look at my marriage in a new light. The success of it, the good things that came from it. In the end my ex and I were not compatible enough to spend our lives together.  Now, from the marriage I once had, I will draw the power to unite a new couple on their journey. Today I realized another angle, another meaning of marriage. Marriage is not selfish or judging.

How therapeutic this is! I am considering all the things that make a marriage good and lasting, the things that keep a couple together. The cynical Adam is starting to get soft.

Dear Friend: Marriage is many different things to many different people. It is more then love. It is more then a bond. It is actually its own entity. Imagine two people joining a team and never leaving that team. Through sickness. Through joy. Through failure. Through triumph. Through lies. Through respect….. Every emotion, every event is shared. Two individuals don’t join to become one, they join to become one force as two! Inner struggles and outer forces will try to pull you apart, and often times will, be a rubber band, stretch, then return back to the normal state of love and respect, the reason you are together in the first place. Be individuals to keep the health of the relationship. Try with all your might not to judge. Never put the other down in public places, save that for private conversations. Laugh. Be present in your time together. Don’t tell the other where to park. Take out the trash without being asked to do so. I know those last two sound a bit joking, but the reality behind them is for real. Listen. Listen. Listen.   Dude, acknowledge her feelings, don’t try and fix everything, just listen. Girlfriend, understand that he IS really from Mars! Be honest. Be respectful. Laugh some more!

What will you get out of marriage?

Dear Friend: You will gain knowledge beyond your belief. You will gain love for yourself, your spouse and others. You may create a new life and give your all to that new life, like your parents gave to you. You will grow beyond belief. You will achieve fulfillment knowing that someone has your back, till death do you part!

The above two lists are really incomplete and random. But in retrospect these are the things that I feel will be a great base to start a marriage and keep it together, as well as the things that will come from this experience. This advice brought to you by a divorced man!

What will I say when I perform this marriage ceremony? Not sure, but I am nervous!

What would you say?

How about Chris Brown and Rihanna.

According to my sources (several of whom spoke to me under the condition of anonymity), say the couple was enduring a rough patch recently in their year-plus relationship — the pressure that the stars’ high-profile status created began to take a toll, said those with knowledge of the couple’s relationship. Rumors swirling around on blogs about the pair, including off-hand remarks about infidelity and fights, certainly didn’t help matters.

Chris Brown is charged with a felony count for striking his girlfriend. What message does this send out to us about relationships, marriage, and Divorce? Do we blame him or try and help him? I’m sure it did not help growing up with an abusive father.

My parents, as I have mentioned many times here on Adam’s Wedding Dress, have been married for 63 years. They have seen the likes of the above circus acts over the past 63 years, but I doubt in the frequency that we see it today. I seriously think that our instant access, our instant gratification, has broken down the bonds of marriage to some degree. Think about it…we have instant access to live events thought multi media streams. I get an RSS feed of news on my web browser, I get emails coming in, I am connected to hundreds of people around the world on my instant messenger and skype…I have GOOGLE! I can find anything I want, and I can find it now. The world has condensed into the screen on my MacPro. Instant gratification. If we are not getting it here, we move on to there. The media is driving this so fast. Feeding us with the juicy details of destruction, addiction, divorce, abuse, failure, and death in a staggering ratio to positive news.

What motivation do we have to stay married though tough times. My parents endured very difficult times, how? Was there less of a reason to just move on if one was not happy? My ex wife decided that we were two different people, she told me that I would thank her one day for moving on. WTF??? Excuse me? There was NO motivation whatsoever for her to stick it out. Instant gratification to just move on. A lump some of money and paycheck for four years. Not such a bad deal! These days it does not matter if we have kids, we just break up anyway and the kids endure a broken home! I was talking to a good buddy last night, he is not so happy in his marriage, it has become old and stale, but he is keeping a family together for his kids! He does not want his children to grow up like he did, in a broken family. He is a rarity!

What are your thoughts on yesterday vs. today?

Is the media’s glorification of addicts and F*** ups like Steven Adler and Shifty Binzer contributing to the downfall of society as we once knew it? Don’t get me wrong, both Adler and Binzer are talented musicians, but what good will come from Celebrity Rehab? Are we really exposing drug use in a positive light, are we going to learn something positive out of this, will kids be deterred from use or attracted to it? How does the media blitz about Chris Brown and Rihanna’s marital spat effect us (is it effect or affect, i get that one mixed up)? It is just so easy to quit and move on when this is all we see around us…we are being programmed for it. Can the institution of marriage prevail today?

Prove me wrong, prove me right, but just prove to me something! COMMENT PLEASE.

I was surfing the web today and found a great image. My thoughts were provoked by the simple statement on this image. Funny thing is that through my divorce recovery I reminded myself of these simple words day in and day out. To get over my lost relationship, my dissolved marriage, feelings of failure and the like, I decided that I really needed to start “living what I love”.

I can almost remember the day when I picked up, dusted off and made my new stand!

3 years later I am in the best place I have ever been…the best place ever. I remind myself that I live what I love.

Are you ready to make a stand? Do you have a motto to share? Click on the comment link and add a comment below!

These are a few the truthful facts about the demise my marriage and our divorce settlement:

• About a year before our separation I caught my ex in a lie regarding her whereabouts with her trainer, red flag was raised.
• She sat me down and explained that she did not want to be married anymore, it was her decision, i tried to work it out, her mind was made up
• I never cheated on her, nor was I ever physically abusive, we just grew apart according to her, which I do not deny
• She did not want to go to marriage therapy, she was in therapy on her own to deal with her divorce decision
• We did not have kids
• We did not use attorneys in our divorce, rather a mediator and a paralegal
• She did not go after everything I had, rather told me what she wanted in a settlement
• I paid a very large lump sum based on home appreciation at the top of the market and a monthly alimony for 4 years

I am leaving out all opinions above and just giving you some background facts.

So what does this have to do with the day in the life of me? I was on my run today and my mind fell into thinking about still paying alimony. Why do I have to continue to do this. The economy is crap, I supported her for 10 years, she is the one that left me, she has her own business, I put her through school for her business, I paid for EVERYTHING but some utilities, some food and some furnishing…essentially everything…we have no kids…I support her for so long, and she gets to leave with the money that I worked so hard for…and money that was only on paper (the inflated house value) How is this? She battled with everything I did, we were different people, how could she want to come into this marriage with nothing, take for 10 years and justify that because she was married to me, she was missing out on earning other income…she actually said that to me!!!!  I will credit her for not listening to her friends advice to take me for all I have. She could have gone after everything the law allows as well as waste my money on attorney fees…she did not! But still, how could she justify taking anything at all??? She did not want to work out this relationship, she left, we did not have kids..she got a free ride financially for 10 years, came with nothing and took a chunk….

This is my mindset on my run. I AM WASTING MY RUN ON THIS THOUGHT PROCESS. What the hell am i thinking? 20 minutes of my life GONE on this….I suddenly  look up from my complete non focus on the moment and what do i see:

Actual Sky on my run

When I looked up at the sky I was greeted with the most amazing painted picture. I raced up about another 200 yards to a look out point that is off the trail where I proceed to take 6 pictures side by side. Above is that picture that I created in photoshop using the photomerge tool to create one accurate continuous panorama of about 180 degrees of the view.

How could I be so stupid…How could I not listen to my own divorce advice? I mean, I preach to the viewers of this site what to think about, how to cope with divorce…yet I am guilty of the exact thought process I am telling you not to commit to! How about that. I wasted part of my run, part of my NOW time re-hashing what has been hashed out 1000 times over in my head. What good could that possibly do? What forward motion could possibly be made with these thoughts?

I smiled at that moment. I am not perfect…in that moment I really actually sucked!   The remainder of the run I breathed in the air, looked at that amazing skyline and was excited to get back and tell my story. It is so easy to give advice, to put your opinion on someone…how easy is it to follow!?!?!?  I remind myself that I can choose my thought process. When I am focusing on what I just cannot control, or what I should just let go, I am unhappy and putting out a beacon of negativity to the universe. When I am happy, taking in the NOW, I am filled with joy…further proof that I am in control! I shifted my focus from the senseless past of my divorce and my perceived bad luck, to the beautiful sky, my run and how lucky I am to have what I have….PURE JOY.

I hope my imperfection has given you hope. If I can shift from place to place, you can too!

When you decide, that your life is a prize, renew and revive.

Those are lyrics to a song that I was just listening to before I turned my computer on to write this post. Actually, I heard those lyrics and I knew that I had to write this post. I find it amusing that I never really “heard” those lyrics before…just kind of sang them in the melody of the song….amusing that they just jumped out at me today.

I’ve recently reconnected with many old friends and I have found myself repeating my life story as it has transpired over the past 20 years. Facebook will do that to you. Adam, how are you? What have you been doing? I see that you are not married anymore? What happened? Sorry to hear that? In every intance of the question, my answer has been consistant: I am fantastic, I am blessed and happier then I have ever been. I am so happy for what I have.

I am so happy for what I have.

Please think that over….I’ll wait a bit here for you to read that again.

[this blank space is intentional and is to be filled with the tune from Final Jeopardy]

[this blank space is intentional and is to be filled with the tune from Final Jeopardy]

Ok…did you read it again. I AM SO HAPPY FOR WHAT I HAVE. I make an intentional process each and every day to remind myself how lucky I am for the things that I have. It may surprise you that I am not talking about a nice car, or a nice house, or most any material things. I am happy for the little things like being able to make a few people a day smile, or my health…or the fact that I have hands to type this post. Does that sound odd…hands to write this post? I recall a story my dad used to tell me when I was whinning for something that I wanted. He told me, Son, there was a man that was so sad because his shoes had holes, the soles, the tops, all had holes and were falling apart, he could not afford to buy new shoes…he was so sad…then one day, while wearing these ratty shoes…he noticed a man on crutches that lost both of his feet! Ponder that for a second. If you are in pain right now, ponder that. If you are thinking that your divorce situation is so bad, ponder that for a second.

We are all searching for support, advice and help in our divorce. But I can tell you, after the fact, all the support, advice and help is really within you already. Sounds silly I know.

Here is an exercise:

I would like you to end your day tonight, before you fall asleep, by thanking whatever power that be, (I have my own form of a higher power, a consciousness that I thank, yours can be G-D, Jesus or any other power that you believe in) for the things that you HAVE. Fall asleep thinking of the things that you have. You are lucky to have these things. This may not be easy because you, like most people, concentrate mostly on the things that you do NOT have. Here are some examples:

• I wish I could get over the pain of this divorce
• If I only had a better car
• She/He is so happy, why can’t I be
• I’m stuck here with no hope of ever finding another good person to be with
• I don’t want to date again
• That bastard cheated on me
• The pain is so bad, everyone is happy but me, no one can understand my pain, I can never be happy again, I will carry this pain with me forever
• Why did he/she do this to me?

Do you see this pattern? Does it sound familiar to you? Do you see the direction this is taking you? Before bed tonight shift that thinking and concentrate on the wonderful things that you have.

• I am so thankful for my children
• Although my friends don’t know exactly what I am going though, I am so lucky that they are here for me
• I love my family
• Look at my pet, I am so lucky to have a buddy!
• I have a car to drive, many people don’t even have a car…i am so thankful for that!
• Look at around me, I am so fortunate to have these clothes and shoes and simple things like a toothbrush!
• How lucky can one be to have control over their life and the freedom to may decisions…I am so thankful for that!
• I have feet to put my shoes on!

Do you FEEL the difference of these statements…I can feel them in my shoulders actually…they make me smile inside and relax. The former statements make my shoulders tence up and climb to my ears!

As you say YOUR OWN version of the above postive thoughts, be very gracious and thankful for these things that seem so insignificant. What this will do for you is start your mind in a positive direction. Your sleep WILL be more peaceful. Wake up and repeat this process. Be thankful that you are starting a brand new day…look out your window and be thankful for the tree that you never noticed before, look at the leaves, watch it sway in the wind, for you are lucky that you can even do this! Listen to things you never noticed before. Find yourself being thankful for the people in your life and the future ahead of you. TRUELY, WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR LIFE IS A PRIZE…YOU WILL THRIVE.

This is a very easy thing to do. Put aside the thought process of helplessly wishing for things that are not in your possession, and concentrate on what you have NOW. You did not have these things before, but you do now, be thankful for that. This mindset, should you chose to focus on it, will change your outlook on so many things. Material things will become less important and joyous thing will materialize in your life experience. It has to be this way, it IS this way.

How do I know this stuff? Well i really don’t. This is MY experience. But, I have seen first hand the change my close friends have gone through when they adopt this thought process. I have seen the change I have gone though in adopting it for myself. For me it was easy to adopt after my divorce, as I have always been a very positive person. Even if you are not so positive, that is ok…baby steps.

So now I would like you to adopt this thought process for yourself. Tonight before bed, deliberately be thankful for the things you have, enter NOT in your thoughts anything lacking or in want. When you wake up, from that sleep, you’ll be happier then you have ever been! (those are lyrics from the same song) Continue this mindset…of thanks for what you have as much as you can, before bed, and when you wake up…if you think of it during the day, If you catch yourself slipping into sadness over something you do not have, SHIFT to your process of gratitude for what you have. Do this for a week and I dare you to tell me that something in your life has not changed for the better. Things will continue to change and you will have more to be thankful for…it is crazy how it happens, I get giddy talking about it!

After my divorce, as I have mentioned many times here, I felt quite alone. I’m a very social person and have many friends, but none the less, I felt alone. Think about this in your own life experience for a minute. You have a life together with someone. You have your group that you are always doing something with TOGETHER. Of course, there are boys nights and girls nights out, but for the most part your social life revolves around some combination of your mutual friends and the friends that you build together throughout your marriage. Something also happens in a marriage, and in any relationship for that matter….you seem to stray from some of your friends for one reason or another. Maybe your spouse does not like your college bro, or you really dislike her chatty manicurist…whatever the case, for whatever reason, you “lose” some friends too. Actually “life happens” and we tend to lose touch of people that we met along the way. These factors do not serve you well when you are tossed out into the world of life after marriage.

Flash forward to this past Xmas day. I was home sick. Got my annual head cold a few days prior and I was just feeling like crap. For the past year I have had various friends requesting me to join Facebook. I shunned them all. I got caught up in MySpace a few years earlier and it was more of a youthful disaster site …. the girl I was dating at the time was pissed that she was not my number one profile, she knew when I was on the site, got jealous of others making comments, it was insane. That said, I figured that Facebook was more of the same and I wanted nothing to do with that! I get crazy like that, when my mind is made up it becomes a matter of principal. (I still have not seen ET because my buddy and I said we never would.)

As I was sitting around with nothing to do, sick, feeling sorry for myself, I got an email from Sara. She sent me a link to a site that she wanted me to do some commenting on, in turn I can meet more people and share my posts, too. The site is really cool, check it out: Think Simple Now. This site seems to have the  same mission as Adam’s Wedding Dress: to help others. Stick with me!  As I looked more at Tina’s site, I noticed how she was involved in Facebook. I figured now was the time to bust a move and finally get started, so I reluctantly created a profile and a Facebook page for Adam’s Wedding Dress

As I did all this I got to thinking…

Facebook is actually great. It brings people together. As I added a few friends there was a cascading effect of their friends seeing me on their individual pages, so I started to hear from people that I knew 20 years ago. I personally am in a great place in my life, but I thought, WOW, this could have been so useful to me during the months after the move out. There was nothing more debilitating than sitting at home alone with my thoughts. The past few days have been filled with new and old friends connecting with me and it is actually quite fun. I have connected with old High School mates, a group of friends that I had after I graduated from college and moved back to LA, ex employees and more. This is GREAT therapy and would have been incredibly helpful right after my ex moved out.

This is not a complete solution of course, but it is a great start to get out and back in the world. As always, reach for what feels good to you and make sure that you follow that path. Reconnecting with old friends (good friends) that have just slipped away for whatever reason is great. You reminisce of good old times, and good feelings come back. So maybe a social network like Facebook can help you in your divorce recovery. Facebook, the ultimate divorce support group…what a crazy concept!

SO MUCH!

I have not discussed much about my divorce process on this blog, the reasons for my divorce, relationship problems, etc. I probably will, here and there, as a reference to a point I am trying to get across. Today I want to bring up divorce mediation. Of all the sad things that happened to me during the divorce process, the actual legal aspect was a blessing. My ex and I were able to agree to use a divorce mediator and a para legal to settle our divorce resolve.

We did not have a war. There was no battle or spite. We did not try to purposely hurt each other. I honestly just accepted that I was going to lose half of my financial life, I was very accommodating to her. To understand what was going to happen to me from a legal perspective, a visited a powerful lawyer that a good friend introduced me to, he told me all bad things that our laws will enable the ex to do, and told me my rights. He was clear that I needed legal counsel that I simply had too much to lose. I was confused and scared for my future after that meeting. I remember calling my dad and saying why is this happening to me.

In the end the ex did not want lawyers involved, nor did I.  This made the process very easy. So we agreed to go to a mediator. I won’t get into all the details here unless someone really wants to know, the outcome was painless and without too much stress. I realize that this is not always possible as divorce is filled with so many negative emotions including revenge! In the long run, you will be much better off with mediation, both emotionally and financially! Disclaimer: I am not implying that I am happy with the outcome, I still fell very strongly that in my situation, I should not have had to pay so much and also pay alimony, I am actually so bothered by this, but too bad, nothing I can do about it.

I will be posting a series of articles that pertain to mediation. I am grateful to Diana Mercer for providing me with more content then I will know what to do with. Diana is an attorney/mediator in the Los Angeles area, she is also an author. I have her full bio here Please also visit her website here.

I’m still wondering about advice. I am not sold on the idea of advice other then using it as a vantage point to consider your own circumstance. Everyone is just so different. Tonight I was out visiting a friend I made on my trip to Vancouver just after my divorce started. We met by chance in a restaurant and have stayed in touch for the past 2 years on and off. She and a good friend were visting Los Angeles this weekend and I had the opportunity to meet up with her for a late night snack. I had not seen her since the day we met, it was nice to catch up. The three of us got on the subject of dating, who we dated, for how long, why we date, don’t date or do date. We talked about current relationships and past relationships. As I sat there I pondered how different we all are. What dating means to me, may not be the same to her or you.

So while driving home tonight I wondered what I could find on “dating” with a quick google search. What I found was vast, but what struck me most was all the dating advice. Check this article out: dating article on yahoo answers

When is it ok to date again?

Another Answer

And another:

What I find so odd is that most of the answers of substance are warnings!

That’s right…warnings. How can you jump back into anything if the advice you are getting is a bunch of rules and warnings. I’ve never been good with rules actually. My father (Adam’s Dad) was in the service in WWII, he was set up on a date with my mom, he told me when he opened the door and saw her, he said to himself this was the woman he would marry. They have been married 63 years now! What if you head these warnings and you miss out on that kind of situation?

Surly you have to understand that if you go into something with the mentality that you should not be doing it and it cannot be right….well you know where I am going.

So instead of giving opposite advice and saying, “do what you want and don’t listen to anyone”, tonight I will give no advice, but ask you to consider the source of advice…i think your best bet is to follow YOUR HEART and GUT.

Adam’s Wedding Dress has been populated with mostly articles of what is going on in my head. I want to bust out of that because I am aware that my head is not your head. While searching the web and using twitter I am running into some great content, I will share pertinent  stories and content with my audience as I research.

Below is a pretty profound list of questions you can ask yourself. I found this list on www.changecoachshelley.comI credit Shelly Stile for a GREAT site. I hope to address each of these divorce support and divorce recovery questions in a post. Whether you are a man or a woman, these divorce questions are important.

Read through these divorce related questions:

1. Am I still living in what should be versus what is?




2. Am I able to accept reality, as it truly exists?




3. Do I believe that this separation/divorce has happened for a reason?




4. Am I doing whatever needs to be done in terms of managing the stress and taking care of myself?




5. Do I have a couple of good friends that I can lean on now and talk to daily?




6. Have I looked into a divorce support group so that I can be with others who truly understand what I am feeling?




7. Have I identified what truly frightens me right now? Am I able to start facing these fears?




8. Do I have an attorney that I trust?




9. If I am feeling great sadness, am I honoring that grief or trying to bury it?




10. Likewise, if I am really angry, have I found more appropriate ways to release that anger?




11. Do I feel good about myself? If not, have I thought of all the things that I am versus that I am not? Of all the things that have done versus what I haven’t?




12. Am I willing to let go o the past and concentrate on the future? Have I started thinking of what I really want in life? Do I have a vision of myself in 5, 10 years from now?

I realize that many of you reading this post have also read The Secret. I have not. I do however understand that my thinking is very similar to the concepts provided in that book. If I am not mistaken, The Secret started out as a documentary about the writings and teachings of Esther and Jerry Hicks. The premise of these writings, and The Secret, are that the universe will deliver to you what it is you ask of it. I have read “The Law of Attraction” and found it changed my thinking perspective as a whole. So here is my divorce support group post of the day.

OK. I want 12 bars of gold (of course gold, the US dollar is not worth what it used to be) Universe DELIVER!

…..

…..

…. still waiting…..

That did not work!

How does this relate to Life after a divorce? If I did not get the gold, how the hell am I going to get the happiness, the new relationship, the joy, the ending of the pain and all the other things that I am missing in my life? Let me look deeper in to this with you now….and move away from asking the universe for stuff and concentrate more on feeling good!

Do you have a friend that is a doomsday person. Total negative energy. Everything is always wrong. The world is against them. They have the worst “luck”. The are always in a bad mood, down. Chances are that person is always sick or hurt as well. Think about this long and hard for a minute. Is it the world that is making this person this way? Could they choose not to be this way?

How about the opposite, do you have a friend that is riding high on life. Everything always seems to go their way. They make money without even trying. They are always cheery and happy. Good fortune just seems to fall from the sky right into their laps. They get all the breaks in the world. Is it the world that is making this person this way? Are they choosing NOT to be this way?

I have found a plain and simple fact. When I feel good, everything is GREAT. I sing in my car, my body feels good, things seem to go my way. Cars pull out of prime parking places at the mall right in front of me…i say to myself, this is good living!

When I feel bad, my body feels bad, I never make a stop light, there are never parking places, I bang my funny bone on the door, my dog pisses on my bedroom floor…it is a rut tunnel and I fall deeper and deeper in it.

I want you to try this exercise. CHOOSE THE WAY YOU WANT TO FEEL. Yes, that is the exercise. Why do you think the alcoholic drinks, one reason, to feel different right? Well you can do it without alcohol, you just choose how you want to feel. It is so simple to do you will feel embarrassed you did not think of it yourself. You have but 2 choices right now. One is to continue to sob and feel like shit about your divorce, your lost relationship, your embarrassment of being alone….OR….you can focus on something that makes you feel good. That is it. Period. IF YOU FEEL BAD RIGHT NOW, CHOOSE TO FEEL GOOD. Don’t make the excuse that it is easy for me to say…it is easy for me to say and do. STOP and think about a good time you had in the past. Think of your children, your pet that is always there for you, your parents love, the time you did your first beer bong, your first great kiss, whatever…just think of something good! You will feel it immediately in your body. From that good feeling parlay it to another. CHOOSE NOT TO FEEL BAD.

We tend to overlook our emotions. They are a 100% true indicator of where we are in our present moment. Use your emotions to your advantage. If you are starting to feel bad, or uneasy, stop right there and realize that this is how you are feeling. PUT THE REASON FOR THIS OUT OF YOUR HEAD and think positive, joyful thoughts.

Now let me connect all my thoughts here for you. If you are feeling good, the world is falling into place for you. You are my latter subject above, the one that is carefree and living the good life. If you are feeling bad, you are the doomsday person….everything is falling apart. I know that we all want to be happy. If you start with listening to your emotions and adjusting your point of view as your emotions dictate, you will snowball into the person you want to be.

To really get the concept of this, read Ask and It Is Given by Abraham-Hicks. But do so with an open mind. If you are religious, have a real open mind when you read this….think less of the relation to your religious beliefs and focus more on the practical concepts of feeling good!

When i say smiling is your best medicine, I really mean it….you will start a chain reaction of joy that just keeps growing, you will feel it deep inside you…it is AMAZING.

I credit: Abraham-Hicks

It is dark out; I’ve just returned from a run. This is a trail that I have been running for 3 years now. I used to walk it with my ex wife and dogs. I recall not really enjoying the walk so much, as there were so many rules, we had to walk here, not there, she hated dust, the negative gossip of her day…as I say these words I feel uneasy…fast forward to 18 minutes before 6:23 pm, October 20th 2008, and I am feeling total bliss (I can feel it as i write these words) I take a huge deep breath and start down the dirt trail right outside my door. I live up in the hills at the end of a residential street. It t-bones into a dirt road that runs west for a mile to a major street, but to the east it runs about 10 miles or more across the hills…all dirt, no cars allowed. The trail from my house is all down hill to the main street, turn around and I am faced with a substantial 1 mile up hill home. As soon as I start, i release all thought, I go into my inner self for inspiration, answers, and pure bliss.

Today the word Velocity pops into my head. I’m listening to a song on my iPhone….

What Velocity are you recovering from your divorce and what direction are you going? This is important. What direction are you going and how fast?

I want you to think about this for a minute. I did not come up with this, it is out there in 100,000 different iterations from religion to The Secret and everything in between. If you think about something in a positive light long and hard enough, it will come to you. Now this is not magic. Don’t expect to think about healing and poof you are healed….or winning the lotto and bam you are doing the chicken dance and high five’in your friends. If you think (you can call it pray too) about something and really desire it, it will come to you…here is the catch, even if you are thinking negative thoughts, they too will come to you. The more you think and concentrate, the more opportunity will come your way and the faster it will come. Velocity!

Do you believe this? Have you ever been on a roll? In a rut? The more good things that happen the happier you are, then more good things keep coming your way and you are on top of the world. Likewise, when the S*** hits the fan, it seems to just keep coming! S*** just builds up and keeps coming faster! Velocity!

So right now, what direction are you pointed in? Are you dancing the chicken dance or are you getting hit with the S***? And what is the Velocity? This is not a trick question…it is very easy to answer from where you are standing right now? Did you say you were doing a slow chicken waltz or are you really busting out a crazy chicken salsa dance…what is the speed? Are you just standing there waiting to dance? Or are you just falling on your ass and floundering around? Or do you not want to get picked to dance at all…your hiding?

Direction and speed of your divorce recovery are important. If you are standing still or even going the wrong direction, you can change that direction very easily. You need to say hello again to your inner self and point yourself in the right direction. As you do so, you will pick up speed and will never look back.

Think of my run today. If my only thought was not being able to run, not being able to find the way down the trail, not knowing if my shoes would hold up, not thinking the daylight would stay bright, only thinking i was going to get lost, I can’t make it back if i get to far, I’m afraid to run, what if there is a dog, I’m better off staying home, what is clouds come and lightning strikes, I can’t, I’m not ready……I know I want to run but what if I get too tired…. I know where I want to be, but i don’t think i can get there….not even wanting to run….wow, i am getting sad saying all this!

Here is the thing about my run: I pointed myself in the direction of the main road 1 mile down the street, when I got there, i ran the monster hill home. I knew where I wanted to go before I started and I told myself I could do it. As i did it, and this is VERY important, I let the trail come before me, I enjoyed ever aspect of the run, the smell of the pepper trees I passed, the dog I saw, the smile on the owners face, the birds, the sky and clouds, the moss growing on the water that was trickleing down what was left of a concrete drainage ditch…i saw all these details and more…enjoyed the journey!

Here is what did NOT happen on my run: I did not get part way and get lost. I did not start in that direction and turn to another direction and expect to get where I was going. I did not just stop and stand around. I did not complain. I did not fall and not get up and keep going.

Forest Gump baby!!!!

I picked my direction and got there, you may get there faster then I would or maybe slower, but it does not matter, I got there. As I was going, everything about me, my mind, my body and my inner self, was in sync and in total joy, not for a minute did i lose focus on my direction and goal.

If I told you now to walk outside your door and run down the street and back, would that not be easy? So I tell you now to decide (and you already know this) where you want to be. Point yourself in that direction and start walking. You will pick up speed. Velocity in the right direction. You will never get lost because you are focused with your destination as a goal, you may slow down, but you know you have a direction and you will keep on that direction…THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE TO THIS OR WALKING DOWN YOUR STREET AND BACK. The only difference is what YOU choose it to be. THINK ABOUT THIS. There is NO difference.

I will prove it.

You say, but Adam my heart is broken I can never recover. You say, but Adam, I will never find love again. But Adam, it is too soon, but Adam, but Adam…..

I will prove it. There is no difference.

I will break your leg today. You will go to the doctor and get a cast. Tomorrow you will point yourself in the direction you want to run, and instead of running, you will use your crutches and get there slowly. YOUR LEG IS BROKEN, but you will still get there. 6 weeks later, the doctor will take your cast off and you will walk with a cane down the street and back…. IT IS TOO SOON, YOUR LEG WAS BROKEN WEEKS EARLIER, BUT YOU WILL STILL GET THERE…a few weeks after that you will walk without the cane…a few weeks later you will be jogging…then running…then guess what…you will be doing the chicken dance!

Choice. Direction. Velocity.

Today, right now, whether it is divorce or relationship, or financial, or health, pick your direction and only foucs on that…start in that direction and you will be amazed how simple it is…the evidence will fall at your feet as you go on your way…don’t trust me on this…trust YOU.

Obviously, advice is something of an opinion and it comes from ones own experiences and view of life and the world around us. So how the hell is your advice going to benefit me? I find that my women friends are really into listening to each others issues and “supporting” each other. I’m not so sure guys do the same thing. Where a woman will vent her personal issues, relationship issues, work issues, her friends then acknowledge the issues, men on the other hand will say, “yeah man, my girl is being a chore right now” his supporting friend will say, “no way, that sucks bro, hey, you want to get a beer?”

OK, wait, this did not start out as a male/female comparison, the direction is about advice. I have been viewing many blogs recently and have found a pattern: I will see a blog topic created, followed by comments on what the topic poster should do, followed by the poster defending themselves from the advice of the comment, followed by the person commenting defending their position…and so on and so on and so on.

Have you ever noticed that when a friend in need has a problem and talks to you about that problem, your first inclination is to solve the problem with your own life experiences. You tend to say, “well, what I would do is this”. What I am getting at is how can your friend benefit from what your life experience tells them to do. They are not living your life, their circumstances are so different. Have you noticed that you can give advice until you are blue in the face and your friends end up doing nothing that you tell them to do?

Read this link again if you have some time. Notice that most of the people that have a problem are constantly regurgitating the problem…then advice is given…and the advice is complete sidestepped and we get right back to the problem…. My heart is broken and will never heal, they left me and I will never be able to move on, the pain is so deep…i still only can think about this person, I am so depressed. Then someone comments, gives advice that seems quit logical and sound…but it is just side stepped and we hear the same story, My heart is broken and will never heal, they left me and I will never be able to move on, the pain is so deep…. it is a never ending cycle. This cycle by the way keeps you trapped in never never land of negativity. These people would better be suited in trying to concentrate more positive aspects…how about this for example: My heart was broken, but i know it will heal, it always does in time, this person left me, true, but i can move on and start anew, I can make small steps, the pain IS deep, but every day I will make an effort to heal and be well and be thankful for what i have NOW. You see the difference in that? Much more positive and healing in itself! Can you sense the different emotion that the positive statements evoke? Instead of standing still or moving backwards, these positive statements feel like we are moving forward…don’t they?

My dad (Adam’s Dad) has been my mentor throughout my life. I am blessed to have him. I leaned very young that he would constantly tell me what to do and I listened. His favorite saying of all time was, Good, bad, write, wrong, or indifferent son, that is just they way it is! And for life until I was about 16, I went along with it whether I liked it or not. But as my life started molding itself, I started to do the opposite of what my parents did. My parents are democrats, ok…I am going to be a Republican (funny, to this day that is why I am registered as a Republican) All my dad’s advice was good, but it just did not fit me anymore. I was a maverick with a mission at age 18. I have things to prove and a world to take over. After college I started my own business and really did need advice…and Adam’s Dad was there to give it all. This time around I found that if I listened to his advice, no matter my agreement or not, but LISTENED, I could pick and chose the things that fit my style and situation. It was the discovery of a lifetime! I know in my heart that his advice was his advice, but I could take what i wanted for me!

In my marriage, i found myself to be the teacher. I had to teach how to use a computer, how to cook, how to do accounting, how to do everything. It did not go over well…I did not get it until recently…i was giving advice based on MY life experience and expecting my now ex wife to listen and do as I said. What an idiot! I did not know a basic principle of the Universe back then, and now I do!

I believe that one cannot direct another’s life experience. One is better suited directing their own journey through life.

Now when I give advice, I start out with this. “I have another point of view that may be of interest to you, listen and take all of it in, or none of it, or some of it and use THAT PART to your benefit. I am not you, but this view may be of help to hear!”

So are you still with me? I am all over this place on this post. The point I am making is that when giving advice, be objective and understand that your advise is coming from you and your experience. Better yet, listen more then talk!  And on the flip side, when taking advise, realize that this advice is coming from someone else that is not living your life, they don’t really know what your entire life experience is. Listen with an open mind and take the parts that can be of use to you in YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE.

I love hockey. I played in many men’s leagues and I attend Kings games regularly. The state of the Kings as a hockey team is the subject for a “losing hockey team support blog”, not here; however, a game I attended very shortly after she moved out is the subject of this blog.

I have a good buddy that has season tickets to the LA Kings, for many years I have been splitting the seats with him. We make a point to go to a few games a month together, the rest of the season we take friends, family, and whomever is willing to sit through a game. About a month after I started the lonely journey of my divorce, I had a game on the calendar with buddy Ben. We usually meet up at the Figueroa Hotel for a beer, shoot the crap. then walk over to Staples to see the game. I’m not myself. I am so needy for my friends and to just be out with someone, somewhere, around people it is insane. It is death to be alone…

I’m at the Fig by myself at the bar. Fortunately I know the bar tender, he is a really cool German guy and we always have something to say to each other. He pulls out a picture of a really cute Japanese girl and tells me the story of how they met on the internet, like i really care right now. Where the hell is Ben! I walk out of the bar to the pool so I can make a call. Ben, what’s up man? Where are you. What do you mean where am I Adam? I’m heading to dinner with Kristy, why? Ben, are you shitting me? We have a game!!! Oh my god, I am so sorry, I totally spaced out…and I have the ticket at my office….so sorry man! There is no way I can make it there…sorry bro!

I’m alone. I’m downtown LA all alone. I’ve never been to a game alone! How lame is that? What will people think? What a loser. Wait, I am a loser…my wife left me and I am alone without a friend at the Kings game. I am alone at a bar, having a beer, alone downtown, alone with one damn hockey ticket. This is just great!

Go home. Wait, why should i go home? I want to see the game! But I’m such a loser! I can’t walk in there alone and sit by myself. What will people think. Come on Adam, figure this out, go home and be more of a loser, or go to the damn game alone. Pretty crazy the thoughts that go though your head. Why did I care what others will think?

What do you think I ended up doing? I ended up leaving the bar as to not be a drinking loser. I walked a few blocks to the Library and did something I have never done before…checked out the Los Angeles Central Library. As I was walking it dawned on me that this is my life now, live it and enjoy it. I also decided that I would go to the game alone, and not give a crap what anyone would think. Once in the game I ran into some friends, told them the story of being here alone and how freaked out I was, we all laugh about it. I forced myself to go against what I was feeling and what I thought others were seeing and I ended up having a GREAT night. After the game we ended up with a group of people I had never met before, eating Korean BBQ in K-Town.

On my solo drive home that night,  I was glowing inside from the nights turn of events. I realized then that my perception of my new life was all backwards. I was worried about what others may think, instead of concentrating on what I think. As I look back I can say that this night was the starting line of my journey to the other side of divorce. I mapped out in my mind how to get from “here” to “there”. I am going to complete my next post on getting from “here” to “there”. It is really quite simple.

Think a bit about your own perception of life, your actions, and others actions. Is this perception helping you or hurting you. You see from my experience mine was hurting me, holding me back if you will. Imagine if I gave into my fear and just went home. I would miss out on life as it unfolded in front of me! It takes great inner strength to go against what you perceive. But I urge you to examine exactly what it is you are perceiving and why. Are you motivated for success and action or are you holding back!

“I just don’t know how I will ever get through this….”  Time and time again, I hear these words uttered in my office as my clients share their stories with me.   I can see in their eyes that what they are embarking on, the dreaded “D” process, seems like an insurmountable feat.  They are flooded with emotion, they feel like the floor has dropped from under their feet, and they feel as if their life is unraveling, both from the inside and the outside.  From that terrifying place, again, they take a big sigh and repeat, “I just don’t know how I will ever get through this.”

Support through a divorce can come in many forms. For some, it comes through a network of friends. For others, it comes from their religious or spiritual guides. For many, it comes from therapy. Throw in family, exercise trainers, mediators, attorneys, financial advisers, support groups, and retreats and you realize the list goes on and on.

In my gut, I know they CAN get through it.  I’ve seen clients get through it, friends, family, and I, myself, know what it like to get through it.  If someone were to ask me, what is the single most important element in a HEALTHY recovery from a divorce, my answer would always be quick and always be the same:  SUPPORT.   I’m a psychologist, and I will be the first to admit that we throw certain buzzwords around, like “support system.”  We are trained encourage people to establish a solid support system.  In our diagnostic evaluations, we ask people about their support systems.  In our treatment plans, we set “increase reliance on support system” as a goal.  Frankly, I was using this term left and right.  It was not until I began to go through my own divorce, and I found myself literally on my knees, that I really UNDERSTOOD what it meant.  SUPPORT IS WHAT YOU NEED WHEN YOU CAN’T STAND UP ON YOUR OWN.  Plain and simple.  The answer to “how will I ever get through this?” is GET SUPPORT.

Now, support through a divorce can come in many forms.  For some, it comes through a network of friends.  For others, it comes from their religious or spiritual guides.  For many, it comes from therapy.  Throw in family, exercise trainers, mediators, attorneys, financial advisors, support groups, and retreats and you realize the list goes on and on.  The point is, the support structure you build around you will help bolster you as you fall apart and begin to put yourself back together again.  It is a necessity.  Reaching out to your supports does not indicate some type of character shortcoming or the inability to “pull yourself up by your booth straps.” This is a RESOURCEFUL move, not a weak one.  It is wise, and it works.

Which brings me to this website.  This site is intended to be used as part of a well-rounded support network for people dealing with divorce.  When Adam first told me about his idea for this website, I knew he was on to something.  It is very fitting that I am writing this first piece on the importance of support as he and I have been a part of each others’ support systems through both of our divorces.  We have called upon each other when we have needed to vent, dissect, laugh at, be angry at, or feel triumphant about something related to our divorce.  Similarly, we invite you to use this site in the same way.  Write your stories, and we will all comment and offer our words of support.   You have the chance to express whatever it is you want at any given moment.  Today, you may write a sad post.  Tomorrow, it may make us all chuckle.  The point is, honor whatever it is you are going through, and lean on all of us for support.

Merely reading someone else’s story will help you feel more sturdy as you see you are not alone.  In time, we will also provide resources to help you find additional help in a variety of areas.  Overall, we are excited to have you use this site as a tool in your journey towards the best life yet!  Stick around for more posts about healing and moving forward with your life…….

What?

I have a lifelong buddy that i met in 4th grade. We stayed in touch for all these years. I was best man at his wedding, he was best man at mine. His divorce started about 8 months after mine. I remember him calling me to tell me the news. I was on a date at the time. Remember the call clearly as I was walking down the boardwalk in Santa Monica. We were just at Casa del Mar having some lunch, then heading to that art display they had in the containers…what was that called, fire and ice or something?? Anyway, I get a call from my buddy and he is totally aloof on the phone, his voice kind of cracked and he spit it out…”dude, I’m getting a divorce”

I was on a second date with this girl! After the art deal, we were going to go shopping and I was to make some Paella for her at my house. I am on a  date and my buddy is freaking on the phone. I remember whispering to her that my best friend is on the phone and announced his divorce.

Her first reaction was to blurt out, “INVITE HIM FOR DINNER”. I did! He was really reluctant as you can imagine, 3rd wheel with a divorce sob story in hand. But I convinced him to come after all it was his mom that taught me how to make the Paella…so it would be some warm and fuzzy crap for him I had hoped.

Mom’s cooking, even though it was cooked by me, did the trick. He did show up, we did make Paella and drank wine, and we did sit out back and start to address his divorce. 2 kids and a really bitter wife. He will kill me for telling all the world this, but I never liked her. We did not get along. My mom pulled me aside at his wedding and said the same. Maybe I can get him to post the details of his divorce here in the near future.

So back to the story, he got really emotional and was wondering what the hell he was going to do. He needed to stay with me for a few weeks to sort his shit out. He was alone and kicked out of his world. She sued him for divorce and he gets booted out of his house and away from his son and daughter…crazy. So now he was at my house really emotional and he was listening to my date give him really sound advice. Imagine that, a girl i just met and she was interested in helping my friend. I actually learned from her words too!

I currently was 8 months over the initial shock of my own divorce. I was dating and enjoying myself. I was in the mode of trying NOT to think about the legal aspects of completing the divorce. I was reborn so to speak. My bro was on the other side. His world crashing around him..all that was, was now gone.

So what happens after divorce? What do you do for support? My buddy was sitting in front of me while I was telling him with confidence: “Dude, in 6 months the feelings you have now will not be the same, you will be beyond this. In one month you will not be the same. Tomorrow you will not be the same. YOU WILL HEAL AND GET BEYOND THIS.” I said this with confidence as I was on the other side looking at him. I myself was on the way to recovery…BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE. My mom always said that from a dead rose and new bud will bloom…and it is true.

What helped me, and what I instilled in my buddy is that support is key. Support from your family. Your close friends. Your pets. Support comes from the most unexpected places. He took comfort in knowing that I had gone through this hell and I was on the mend. Long after this time, he told me that he was so lost and confused…but meeting with me that day grounded him and set him on course for recovery.

I will share many stories and i have a crap load of them. Venting “your” story helps, hearing of others stories helps! I know that I have a twist on this site with the wedding dress deal, but that really is just the icon of the purpose of this site. I firmly believe that if you find support, you will heal. Support comes in many shapes and colors…even come on the internet! This site is a divorce support group so to speak.

Cheers.

Adam

Here is a tough topic. Paying and receiving alimony. Paying, is tough for the spouse paying it, and it may be tough for the spouse that is getting it, perhaps feelings of guilt to some degree – Sounds stupid I know…I’m not getting soft here but it is a reality. But let’s drop the guilt topic for this post and address paying off your X after the divorce proceedings or divorce mediation process is over.

There can be a number of reasons a marriage ends, dishonesty, total disconnect, illness, or 1000 and 1 other permutations and combinations of 1 million variables. In my case, she asked for the divorce, i really did not have a choice. I would have, and tried to stick it out, yet I was essentially dumped on. (and that damn dress was left at my house) I supported her for years. I took her on vacations, bought her cars, the whole shebang! She paid the phone and electric bill and took her earnings and shopped. She did buy food for the house and some shabby sheik furnishings that I really disliked, but in all fairness she contributed some but very little. Let me make this clear, the focus of this post is monetary, not emotional.

So how is it that in this case a spouse would have to pay the other spouse a lump sum of his/her life savings. I had to, and still am, I pay her a monthly Alimony…..What is THIS? We did not have kids. How is it that I was helpless and at the mercy of her integrity. I was walking on egg shells knowing that all i had built was about to be crushed. Had she decided to get lawyers involved, it becomes the “divorce business” And the full extent of our “law” would be in affect. I was lucky, she had integrity. The law states that she could take half…she did not. But none-the-less what she did take, and what I am still paying is a major setback in my life. Couple that with the economic turn after the divorce…you get the picture.

No kids, No cheating, just a worn out relationship, complacent, where one spouse decides to leave. How is it that the other spouse gets stuck with the bill. What does the phrase “lifestyle i am accustomed to” mean? How is it, for example, my responsibility to support this person if this person wants to leave and give up on the marriage? Please understand, I am NOT talking about the LAW. The law is there for many reasons and it protects a spouse against many bad thing that happened before there was a law. Law aside, morals in hand, why is it the responsibility of one spouse to support the other after the marriage, if the “supportee” made the decision to leave the “supportor“. I just don’t grasp this concept. The marriage is bad, he/she wants out and knows that he/she has the other spouse by the short hairs financially. What is the incentive to stay and work it out. MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT EASY. But there is little incentive to stay married when you can bail with a lotto sum and do your own thing!

This is interesting. My parents are both 83 this year. And on Xmas eve they will celebrate their 63rd wedding anniversary. 63 years. SIXTY THREE YEARS. Do you think my mom wanted to leave my dad on many occasions? My dad leave my mom? What kept them together through the bickering, fighting and more. Divorce was/is not an option for them. They got married and made an oath before G-D, friends, and family and stuck to that oath, through sickness, insanity, etc……till what…till the end.

Problem with our law and our society is that, (my opinion) it is too easy to get out of a marriage now. Marriage is a business now (from the wedding planner to the divorce lawyer). This aspect of the law is not fair morally. You don’t want to be with me? You don’t’ want to grind it out? Well, in my opinion, take your shit and leave. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out…but damn it..take what is really yours, Make your bed and sleep in it..Don’t attach yourself to “what you were used to” and take payment for 1/2 the marriage. Well, I was used to a wife at my side and her having my back through anything, I was used to the sex we had BEFORE we got married, I was used to many things…they just flew out the door along with what she was USED to, living off my money. Her retort was always that she could live in an apartment and did not need a nice house or fancy cars…ironically that was not the case, she needed a heap of cash when she left me.

I am making this a bit more personal then I had intended, but the point i am making is that there are certain circumstances where the law we have is totally BS. When did marriage become a business?

In this case: Alimony = Crap

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