Set some ground rules in private or in front of your mediators. No talking down to each other, no swearing, no eye rolling. It’s up to you to determine your own code of conduct. Then, stick to it. You’ve probably been nicer to perfect strangers at times than you have to each other.

Ask permission. Ask your spouse if it is okay to talk about certain issues before you bring them up either in mediation or outside it. If your spouse says no, wait, your chance will come.

The Peace Talks Way is to bring people to vulnerable places, yes but never to use that against them. Each time this happens, we can have a teachable moment which we can apply to all kinds of situations around loss, abandonment, feeling shameful, having secrets, coming clean.

Pace yourself. Take your discussion one step at a time and go slowly. Let your spouse have a moment to digest what has been said or suggested. Then, ask your spouse if he or she is ready to move on. To view a short video on “The Seven Keys to Solving Family Conflict,” see below:

As you move into these teachable moments, remember the first cut is the deepest. It resonates most with the drama and trauma of deep family of origin issues coming up to be integrated. Undigested experiences we have resurface again and again to be dealt with in a way that can feel a lot like emotional upheaval. For a great article on learning the art of diplomatic dialogue, see more here
It is preferable to let issues be digested and metabolized before moving on. Proceed consciously. Never go off half cocked. And if there is a lecture going on in your head you are sure is for someone else, it’s first and foremost for you!

For more information contact Peace Talks see Diana’s bio on Adam’s Wedding Dress

If you are wrestling with whether to leave your marriage, you undoubtedly find yourself in a very low place of deep ambivalence. This will continue nagging you until you are pressed to resolve it.  Once you are so sick and tired of the inner conflict that you can’t stand it any more, you will give up.  You will, quite literally surrender.

It’s the very nature of an awkward rite of passage, like divorce, to put us through the wringer and bring us to the proverbial bottom. When we are sick of the trauma and drama, we say, “No more!” It is within that moment of surrender that the atmospherics are present for us to set our intent for a better way out of the mess we are in.

Right after we surrender, it is important to take a moment to connect with our inner will-to-do-good. If you are seeking an answer to one of life’s most difficult questions, “Should I divorce my spouse?,” you’ll want to make sure the answer takes into account your desire to do right by everyone involved.

When you ask within for guidance, you must listen with a brave heart. Be willing to be vulnerable enough to resolve your ambivalence and get your business finished with your spouse.

Stay positive by committing to the idea that your actions and the way you handle yourself in these unfortunate circumstances can bring about a good outcome.

Claim a stake in yourself as an adult who is capable of solving your own problems.  If you decide to go, you can do so without giving anyone a hard time, disrespecting anyone, or setting a bad example for your children.

Pose the question to the deepest part of yourself:
•    If I am going to stay in this marriage, who am I?
•    If I am going to leave this marriage, who am I?
•    How do I stay?
•    How do I go?

Then, listen. You will feel the answer in your body. Notice where in your body you feel the answer. You will know what to do once your ambivalence is resolved and in this way learn to trust your inner guidance.

If your are thinking of divorce, did this article give you any guidance or comfort? If you are already divorced, does this thought process help you where you are now? Please comment!

For a full bio on Diana Mercer and links to other articles click here

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Your success with the legal process during your divorce will depend in large part on how you manage the emotions and life skill challenges you encounter along the way. As you enter and complete each phase of the legal process, recognize that emotional pressures may create obstacles. You can learn to understand them and get past them to act constructively and rationally.

You will also have challenges associated with independent living that you need to take on and master if you wish to stop feeling lost, helpless or angry. The emotional checklist below provides 10 guideposts against which you can gauge your progress as you proceed through the legal system. If you can successfully navigate your way to each of these guideposts, you have the best chance of reaching your final destination in a constructive manner.

1. Recognizing anger, hurt, distrust, revenge, fear and other emotions associated with loss
2. Learning to assess and manage household finances and responsibilities
3. Developing practical job and career options
4. Finding legal advice and expertise that counsels but does not inflame
5. Establishing a safe environment for yourself and your children
6. Negotiating firmly but fairly to obtain a financial settlement that maximizes family assets
7. Handling anxiety without unduly burdening the children, your spouse, or significant others
8. Using the legal system as a means of protection and structure, not intimidation or blackmail
9. Maintaining a respectful distance from your ex-spouse without creating unnecessary alienation
10. Creating legal and financial documents that establish your new independence and preserve family assets over time

For a host of information to help you during this emotionally tumultuous time during which you can’t afford to lose your head, be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://peace-talks.com/preparefordivorce/ Other on-line support is available at www.divorce360.com.

SO MUCH!

I have not discussed much about my divorce process on this blog, the reasons for my divorce, relationship problems, etc. I probably will, here and there, as a reference to a point I am trying to get across. Today I want to bring up divorce mediation. Of all the sad things that happened to me during the divorce process, the actual legal aspect was a blessing. My ex and I were able to agree to use a divorce mediator and a para legal to settle our divorce resolve.

We did not have a war. There was no battle or spite. We did not try to purposely hurt each other. I honestly just accepted that I was going to lose half of my financial life, I was very accommodating to her. To understand what was going to happen to me from a legal perspective, a visited a powerful lawyer that a good friend introduced me to, he told me all bad things that our laws will enable the ex to do, and told me my rights. He was clear that I needed legal counsel that I simply had too much to lose. I was confused and scared for my future after that meeting. I remember calling my dad and saying why is this happening to me.

In the end the ex did not want lawyers involved, nor did I.  This made the process very easy. So we agreed to go to a mediator. I won’t get into all the details here unless someone really wants to know, the outcome was painless and without too much stress. I realize that this is not always possible as divorce is filled with so many negative emotions including revenge! In the long run, you will be much better off with mediation, both emotionally and financially! Disclaimer: I am not implying that I am happy with the outcome, I still fell very strongly that in my situation, I should not have had to pay so much and also pay alimony, I am actually so bothered by this, but too bad, nothing I can do about it.

I will be posting a series of articles that pertain to mediation. I am grateful to Diana Mercer for providing me with more content then I will know what to do with. Diana is an attorney/mediator in the Los Angeles area, she is also an author. I have her full bio here Please also visit her website here.